Things are about to switch up a bit!

For a while, this newsletter has mostly been a reframe, one question that I unpack and hand over to you. I still believe in the fact that we need to keep asking ourselves questions about why we do things the way that we do. Why we hold ourselves to crazy standards, and how we can listen to our voice a bit better. This is more important than ever, and so the reframe essays are not going anywhere. But. It has been the whole newsletter for a long time now, and honestly, it was never meant to be the whole concept of what I envisioned for Orange & Kin.

So from today, you can expect a weekly issue rather than an essay. Some issues you will get the things that are actually inspiring me that week, such as a book, a conversation, something my kids said that I haven’t stopped thinking about, and some issues you will get the things that are keeping me up at night.

Orange & Kin is growing, and I am working on something very special that I will launch in the first week of September; I can’t wait to share it with all of you.

Enjoy ♡

The week

My family and I just returned from our annual trip to Finland and Estonia. My partner grew up in both countries, so we try to organize a family trip every year to see family and friends as well as enjoy the most peaceful Finnish and Estonian nature. This time we decided to stay 4 days in Finland and 2 weeks in Estonia.

We spent 3 days in Helsinki, we ate at the same place twice. Finnish sushi is really good and very fresh. We spent 3 nights at our friends’ cabin in the middle of nowhere, we were truly surrounded by Finnish nature. The green view, the stillness, the air itself, it does not get old. Every single time, I catch myself romanticising our lives, how it would be if we had a summer cabin of our own, because the kids, my husband, and I just love it so much. But for now, we are just very grateful for our friends opening up their home for us.

Currently

Since I was a child, I have had a sweet spot for pickled foods. When I was a child, my grandpa knew that nothing would make me happier than a jar of pickled silverskin onions. My second favourite is pickled cauliflower; it keeps the crunch, and the flavour becomes so much more vibrant.

My go-to pickled foods at the moment are radish and red onion; it just works with everything. Not only is it tasty, but it’s also actually so beneficial for your health as well. I think that memory of my childhood has sparked something in me. In the upcoming months, I will get into different recipes for pickled foods.

If you are just as excited as me, please share your favourite recipes with me!

On Womenhood

I am a firm believer that there is no difference between the current you and your future self. There is no one way ahead waiting somewhere, more finished than you are right now. Not a single hair on my body agrees with that narrative (and I have a lot of hair) because I don’t believe life is linear. The only difference between you and your future self is the decisions you make today, and your future self is the fruit of that.

I wrote an article about it a while back on the topic of cyclical vs. linear:

As you know, our environment, not only the location but also the conditions and the people around us, has a huge impact on us. Over time, we have so many added layers to ourselves, some are our own, and some are not, which hold us back.

For me, growing is like rooting deeper and deeper in my own soil. Unlearning behaviours and beliefs that were pushing on me, which no longer, or even never, benefited me. Sometimes that’s where real growth lies.

I can’t tell if it's because I am in my 30s now or the fact that I have leaped to start my own business, but I feel a sense of groundedness, a sense of calm I haven’t felt before. It has always been easier for me to rely on the ‘safe choice’ to make sure that there is less turbulence in my life. So maybe it is a combination of both.

Taking bets has never been my thing, let alone taking bets on myself. However, now I see that watching my own leap unfold from within outwards has given me more than a safe choice has done. I truly feel like there is magic around a woman who uses her voice to share what she really cares about with others.

The story of how we grow as women in this current time is completely up to ourselves to write, to guide, to experience, and to feel. And I am so grateful for all the women before us who made that happen.

On Motherhood

Last week I shared the following note about how grateful I am that our kids are experiencing such a rich cultural childhood.

And I would like to touch a bit more on that. Growing up in Amsterdam as a kid with Surinamese roots was absolute bliss. The Netherlands is very multicultural, but in Amsterdam it is on another level. I know this does not apply to everyone in Amsterdam, but I have not experienced any racism towards me. Only once I got older and travelled to different places did I experience confused looks and felt like an outsider, but still nothing more intense than that. I am very happy that these feelings came later in my life. Because I can imagine that if you have negative experiences as a kid, it has such an impact on your self-esteem and the way you carry yourself. As an adult, it does not affect me personally, again, I am very fortunate.

A few years ago, I received the book The Mixed-Race Experience as a birthday present.

And it truly was the most interesting book on race I have read in a long time. If you have kids who are mixed race, I would highly recommend this book. It touches on the subjects of race, identity, interracial relationships, raising mixed-race kids, and more. The writers Naomi and Natalie Evans have done an incredible job of giving people from all kinds of cultures an opportunity to share their story.

Because even as a parent, you might not be able to truly comprehend what it means for your kid to be mixed-race, and this book is a great start by reading other people’s lived experiences.

The Reframe

Redirection is not failure. In motherhood, in your career, in yourself, the more time we spend on this earth, the more we learn, the more we adapt because that is what we do as human beings. The direction of the path we walk can look different this year than it did last year and different again next year.

Before you go, I wanted to ask you to look within yourself. And ask yourself if there is a direction you would rather go to, but something is holding you back. Look at the pushback and see where it comes from, whose voice it is, and if it is actually something that belongs on your path or not.

Love,

Romy

I took a 2-week break from my weekly newsletter, without announcing it. It felt so good to rest effectively immediately.

I took this time to really be with my family, with my thoughts, submerge myself in the nature around me, and ask myself:

What am I working towards? What do I want to share with other women? Are my habits reflecting the person I aspire to be?

I learned that I am so used to being in service of others that I find it hard to relax. So I made it my goal to get my head as quiet as possible. At the same time, I felt a deep appreciation for our friends, who took care of our kids together with us in the forest. Slowing down is almost becoming a luxury, and I realize that sometimes resting is completely up to you and sometimes really depends on who you have around you.

And with that came alignment; I feel recharged, inspired, and, most of all, excited for all that lies ahead.

I am a firm believer that if you are a people pleaser, you should have kids. I know that sounds weird, right? But it will literally help you move away from this personality trait, coping mechanism, some might call it the fruits of their childhood trauma. And as with many things in life, some things require baby steps, if you are open to it.

The way kids can guide you on your journey to distance yourself from this trait is quite beneficial. For example, with a kid, you can process the discomfort and result of their disappointment in a way that doesn’t throw your nervous system so out of balance.

There are moments in life when we choose to be more lenient, moments when we give more than we initially want to just because we can; the decision is easy because it is a no-brainer.

So I wonder if any of us are aware of our ability to see when it is our choice to give or when we are not able to control ourselves. This could also be partly because we cannot handle the discomfort of saying no.

When you show up for everyone around you, do you actually know why you’re doing it?

I do think that there is some good that comes with being a people pleaser and being a parent. As I am also one of them, I can speak from my own experiences and the way that I raise our kids. I know our kids feel seen. Our home is tailored to their needs, and I am a mother who notices everything: any difference in emotion, you name it. Always checking in.

But, and there is a big but, because it comes with a price.

It becomes hard to separate yourself from their needs, even beyond their needs. We people pleasers tend to look so far ahead where things go wrong.

The people-pleasing stops being a personal habit and becomes something with consequences beyond you. Your kids see your behaviours and the way you interact with others. And the idea that they will inherit these traits from you if we don’t try to eliminate them should be a gentle wake-up call.

For me, this is obviously easier said than done.

To move forward, it’s actually more beneficial to look at what pleasing people is costing you as a person or even as a parent. Seeing the pattern alone is not always enough. We all know by now what we usually do that gets us into a situation that could be avoided if would have acted differently. Yet, no different actions are taken with this realization alone. Instead, if we look at the cost of this behaviour, what this teaches your kids, or how it affects your relationships, you can see in the future where it will lead you.

Another big turnaround for me was the decision to separate my character from the behaviour. For many people, pleasing is tangled up with identity, like “I am a nice person“ → “I must always accommodate the needs of others”. And it is crazy, even though I understand completely, because for many, saying no has become an unkind thing to say. And the reality is far from it.

I have also learned that drastic tactics rarely work and small practices are the way to go when you want to create lasting change. Our confidence grows from the evidence that we can make changes instead of just ‘insightful’ how-tos.

The urge to please comes from a genuine fear of rejection, conflict, and being seen as difficult. I truly think that the decision not to please someone will remain difficult, as your actions used to reflect the exact opposite. But if you really want to change the feeling of falling back into people-pleasing as much as you used to, it will feel heavier than the discomfort. It is up to you to decide which type of discomfort you want to live with.

As a people pleaser, I have seen cycles of myself where I lost touch with my own preferences because I was too invested in others. I found a way to actively ask myself the questions, “Does this work for me too? or How do I feel about this, really?” No amount of advice is going to guide me as much as just staying close to myself.

Being a mom or not, it’s difficult to tend to your own needs, and it’s easier to completely bow to the needs of others. However, I do think that the payoff from pleasing people less, even family, even your own kids, is far greater than the comfort of not trying to make a fuss.

Love,

Romy

Hi from me on a Tuesday, very unusual, I know. Life has been very busy lately. The kids’ holiday is around the corner, the preparations for our travels are in full swing, and the invisible force of expectation to deliver consistently across all parts of my life. I feel like lately I have been dropping a lot of balls, but I guess the key is in the art of knowing which ones are bouncy.

So this week, I just want to share my thoughts from the past week, and I hope it sparks something within you too.

Have you ever used minimized language while talking about your ambition?

Because I have definitely said stuff like, “Oh, it’s just a little project.” “I’m just playing around with it”. “It is nothing serious yet”. I now realize that they contribute to a language that contributes to the behaviour that has kept me small. I think it isn’t to fuel the need to convince others that our dreams are worth something, instead, the realization is that while we are interacting with others, we are also stashing our words about ourselves inside of us.

I think that observing the language that we use when we speak about our ambitions can be so insightful. I find it even more insightful to find out where it comes from.

The way ambition in women gets read as threatening or selfish, or as in contrast to being a good mother, partner, or friend. Because something that I have also noticed in myself is that I proactively shrink myself so that no one else has to do it for me, and while I thought that this was me trying to stay under the radar, in fact it was me shrinking myself into a corner.

I think I might, once I'm rested, write a longer piece on this, as there is a lot to unpack here.

I think a lot of us hold back from being vocal about our ambition because of the fear of being perceived as arrogant or too full of ourselves. Especially if you are not used to being vocal. Because being hyped and excited about yourself is something that should be the norm, not occasionally tailored to who is in the room.

And this also goes for me. For a long time I wanted to hide behind Orange & Kin, and a few weeks ago I made the decision to shift myself to the centre of it all. To share my thoughts, my opinions, my fears, and most of all to be vocal about my ambitions, the direction where I am aspiring to build towards. And that shift has done so much for me.

I read and see others talking a lot about “giving yourself permission”, because that is one thing. However, I feel like it goes a layer beyond that; coming forward with the ambition while keeping the size intact is the second part of it.

That is exactly what I will be focusing on this season.

Love,

Romy

A little while ago, a question came to mind. How much of our energy, our focus, and our attention goes outward? Sometimes we notice it, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes it flows quickly, sometimes very slowly. But the fact is that it goes. Our bodies hold attention like a colander. Each exit has a purpose. However, very little stays inside of us.

I am really starting to believe that being interested in yourself has a lot to do with the ability to hold the focus on capacity rather than assuming it’s a personality trait.

Don’t worry, this won’t be the next essay on how women lost themselves dramatically. I just really want to explore the ordinary moments, I want to make you think about your experience of today.

My kids are now 4 and 8 years old. They love playing together, they are each other's best friend. It’s so beautiful to see. It is pretty funny when one of them wakes up before the other, they almost can’t control themselves to avoid waking up their sibling. Now that they are becoming older and have a sense of the things they can and can not do. We are quite strict on screen time, which means that the kids have become very creative when they play. At the moment, they are super into role-plays; they are becoming pretty good at it. You would almost believe that my son really has a broken leg and my daughter is a seasoned nurse.

The effect of this is that each day more and more time becomes available for me or each other, we don’t need to watch them to keep them alive.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, ladies.

Getting used to more freedom, more space to breathe is definitely still a process. Because for a very long time I have been on high alert, in service of others, and now it’s slowly moving in a different direction. If you are a woman with kids, you know how difficult it is to choose what to do with unexpected flexible time.

Because there is always something to do.

And that is exactly it. There will always be something to do; much of it will return as quickly as tomorrow. So if I use an afternoon to tap into my own interests instead of doing an extra wash, yes, I might need to wait an extra day for my favourite blouse, but at least I filled my own cup. The time has come where I value my own wellbeing more than a garment. To choose myself and my own interests is worth the time. And this brought me to the question I want to explore together with you.

“Do you still find yourself interesting?”

I have a lot of interesting women in my life, which I am so grateful for. I find them interesting not only for their own interest, but also for the way they carry themselves, the resilience, the positive outlook on their life, and let’s not talk about the creativity of these women. Just love them. I am also pretty sure they would say the same about me, but surprisingly I find myself less interesting. Almost by default. When friends come over to our place and point out and compliment the art, which I secretly already forgot was on the wall. It lets me look at a piece for the first time through new eyes, and in those moments I get the reminder that the art that flows out of me is very interesting.

In these moments, I really think that through the constant availability, care, and always being there ready to respond, it is easy to lose sight of

the cool moms we actually are.

I think it’s so important to hold on to this. Because in this hyper-individualistic society, we give a lot of ourselves away. What if we keep investing in our inner life? What I mean is the place where we form our opinions before someone asks for them, the curiosity that isn’t purposeful. The place where you have 1-1s with your own mind and no one else.

It is easy to tap into other people, other sources, everything that seems more interesting. Even though we are our own deep well of inspiration, endless source material for creativity. I understand, sometimes we need to mute ourselves to hear others. Just don’t forget to turn yourself back up. You are your own deepest source of material, the well doesn’t run dry.

Love,

Romy

I have always been someone who likes efficiency; it shows in the way I move around the house, the way I operate at my job, and the way I plan my weeks. I try to use all my time well and stay on top of my nutrition. But last year I realized it had spread too far into my day-to-day; the books I read were only self-help, positive psychology, or parenting. I couldn’t remember the last time I had read a novel. I used to be so obsessed with self-development for fear of standing still. But was it a me problem or… is it something bigger?

We live in a time where almost everything can be optimized. Some come with a price tag and others come with a certain set of routines. We think that the only price is either money or effort. I do wonder what the actual price of optimization is. Because at what point does the pursuit of improvement stand in the way of the experience of a life well lived?

For me, Painting is one of those activities, where the pressure to improve fades away and fully embrace flow state. I used to sell my paintings, but I decided to step away from that because, for me, it took the joy away completely.

Painting is one thing where I could just exist without the slightest urge to become better was something I valued more than the pursuit of making things sellable.

Optimization is a huge part of modern self-improvement. It has stretched into all aspects of our lives; into our capacity to be productive, parenting, our relationships, our sleep, our bodies, even in our motions. Because, be honest, how much of your life are you tracking, measuring, and improving? It has been so integrated into our lifestyle.

I think that self-awareness is an extremely valuable skill to have; it helps you to stay close to yourself and your choices. So I also don’t think that self-awareness is the problem here. I think the way that we have become accustomed to us stepping outside our own lives and evaluating every aspect makes it very challenging to actually live it and feel it.

I want to do a deep dive into the grip that optimization has on us as women. Because it has for sure helped in a lot of systems like the unrealistic beauty standards, emotional labour, etc. But could it be that we have gone a bit overboard, without realizing?

I feel like it has now moved to parts of our lives where it’s not needed nor meant to be implemented. Such as “strategies for unlucking and manifesting your desires”, “ultimate hacks for lasting friendships” or the protein hysteria. Like, do we really need protein popcorn?

It is almost as if, in case you haven’t certain parts of your life out, you are not living your life properly. I find that very interesting, read: crazy.

Beautiful things happen throughout our days. However, are we always present enough to watch them happen? Our minds are often somewhere else.

Positive psychology has this tool called savoring, in which it reminds you to practice noticing and appreciating positive emotions during our experiences.

Research confirms that the way we absorb it is what makes the happiness last, even more than the experience itself. So that holiday, that dinner, an evening with friends where you all laughed so hard you couldn’t breathe, those moments are stored differently in you based on whether you were present for it or just there.

And the most exciting part of this thing? We can do this together. Shared savoring actually talking about a good memory with someone else, it actually amplifies the positive emotion. Not only do you remember it more clearly, but you also relive and even feel it again.

So next time something good happens, or when someone says “Do you remember when….” lock in the moment with that person. That’s how we actively build our own wellbeing.

And most of all, let’s chase the feelings more.

Love,

Romy

Our world is changing and with that, also the meaning of things. There is an old fear regarding the vulnerability of our girls, which is slowly transitioning into the belief that she will be exactly what the world needs, regardless of the medium.

The idea that women are the weaker ones is more about control than it is about biology, like physical strength. This is an old story. Our vulnerability has been used against us for so long that the narrative turned into being fragile so that it could be managed.

But the research is on our side. Girls are outperforming boys academically in most Western countries. Women are entering leadership roles faster than ever, which is a day-and-night difference from 30 years ago (!). And our emotional intelligence, which used to be labeled as soft, is now a very valued skill in the workplace.

I was listening to Emma Grede’s podcast on my way to work the other day, and she is actively trying to dismantle old beliefs regarding women. And I am all here for it.

But let’s get one thing straight. Life isn’t getting easier for women. However, the amount of conversations around this is changing how it feels, and many of us are starting to feel seen. Subjects like mental load, emotional labour, and certain biases are now part of the conversation. And our girls are becoming a part of these conversations from a young age now. I truly think that the power of that should not be underestimated.

I grew up as a first daughter and first granddaughter in my family.

This has shaped me more than I thought during my upbringing. I have been taught to cater to other people's needs, to perform in the default expectations of what it means to be a woman, and growing up in a Christian household only amplifies this.

Even though the title of this week’s newsletter might suggest that I am still religious, I am not. Based on my own lived experience, I see that my religious upbringing has created a passiveness regarding self-reliance and confidence in myself to go after whatever I wanted, big or small, from a young age. Instead, I needed to ask permission and put my faith into God. This is just one example of the reasons why I decided not to raise our kids religious; my partner is not religious, so no debate was needed.

If they wish to become religious later on, that would be totally fine; that choice is theirs to make.

However, I hope that once they are older, they will always have faith in themselves before anything else.

Especially my eight-year-old daughter.

And I already see fire in her. There are moments where I speak confidence into her when facing a challenge. And I tell her: “You got this, believe in yourself”. Her answer is often, while looking me straight in the eye, confident: “I know”.

I think that the fear will not leave us, as we live in a crazy world, with a lot of lunatics. We will always have to protect our girls while they grow into amazing women.

However, it is up to us to decide what we do with that fear. Do we submit to it or do we turn it into something powerful?

Raising a daughter is more than shopping days, spa afternoons, matching pink nails. We are raising the next generation of strong, confident women who will not settle for old sad tales of the past.

Raising a daughter is a privilege, a heavy responsibility, and above all, the most beautiful.

Love,

Romy

There is a version of ourselves we keep on promising ourselves. Once we have reached certain criteria, like once we lose the weight, once the kids are older, once we have gotten a raise, or once we quit our jobs.

Once we have figured ourselves out.

In this way, we allow ourselves to be seated on the sidelines. Because we keep on performing even though we can clearly sense that we have outgrown the season we are in. Yes, all seasons have a beginning and an end. However, I wonder if we let ourselves stay in a season unnecessarily for too long. What is holding us back? Are we waiting for a signal?

Honestly, I used to think that it was a personality flaw of mine. The combination of fear and perfection kept me always one step behind myself.

However, now I have spoken to enough capable and smart women to know that this isn’t actually personal. I realized that this is a structural issue.

I have always been told that becoming takes time, which makes total sense in certain cases. I want to dive deeper into the narrative that a woman needs to earn herself in stages. First: you need to prove it, after that you feel it, and perhaps if you are lucky, you get to live it.

After waiting your turn for some time, the acknowledgement that you are longing for just never shows up. And what was left is a defeated, exhausted, half-ass person of you. Waiting isn’t natural. Every season that we hold ourselves in draft mode, something else fills up that space. Often, that space gets filled with someone’s expectations of you, a version of you that is easier for other people to be around.

Also, I know every single one of us has experienced a moment in time where we said to ourselves: “I wish I had started sooner. “

The myth of the threshold is one of the most effective traps we have out there. It makes us feel like postponement is an act of responsibility. Like you take care of something more important before we leap. And maybe sometimes that is true,

But is it always the case?

We would rather hold on to a narrative that keeps us small than admit that we are afraid. Are we waiting until we are ready, or are we waiting until it feels safe enough?

I think a lot about circular time. I also very much believe that there isn’t a straight line from who you are right now to the person you are supposed to be. We are just returning to ourselves, at times even more deeply. We remember something you already knew.

Once we step into the version of ourselves we envision leading the season we are in, everything will follow. And it will feel uncomfortable, which should outweigh the negative feelings of staying the same. Also, the woman we want isn’t ahead of us; she is already here.

My question to you:

When was the last time you actually took up as much space as you actually need?

I also want to know how many of us need to feel confident to take the leap? In my own experience, confidence is overrated. The confidence I felt before I started writing compared to one year later is unmatched.

The doing creates the feeling, not the other way around.

Love,

Romy

If you haven’t watched the movie yet, go watch it and come back to this article after! Would love to hear other women’s take on this!

So recently I watched the movie Jackie Brown. It was on my watch list for a long time. However, given that Quentin Tarantino’s movies are very long, I feel like you really have to be in the mood to watch them attentively. Well, a few weeks ago, the day finally came. And ever since, I have been unable to get the movie out of my head, simply because of the character Jackie Brown. I have said it in a note before that I felt the deep urge to write about this character because I truly feel like we, as women, can learn so much from her. Especially in this time and age.

Jackie Brown is a 44-year-old flight attendant who has been looked past, underpaid, and ignored for years. And she is aware of it. But instead uses exactly that to her advantage. She doesn’t rage against the game as we all tend to do.

But Jackie studies it, then outsmarts it.

I felt seen because I know the familiar feeling of being the woman in the room that nobody is watching closely enough. I remember all the attempts that I have made to become more visible, just to get shut down or placed back into a place others thought was mine. And it is so draining trying to make the people see you who have decided not to.

Jackie doesn’t waste energy proving herself in rooms that do not serve her. She gets quiet, she plans, and her underestimation becomes the strategy. Jackie takes the gamble of doubling down on the long shot instead of a quick fix just to become invisible again.

So in the movie, every single man wants either to use her, save her, or control her. Okay, except for Robert Forster’s amazing and sweet character.

She actively rejects all of those conditions and restrictions. She takes what she needs from each of them and leaves on her own terms.

This is the direct contradiction of the “good woman” performance. We need to be agreeable, grateful, and waiting to be chosen or needed.

Everyone has a different definition of a good woman. A direct different definition is the one that men hold up for women and how women divine it for themselves. We are not even bringing different cultures into the mix yet! I know for a fact that the definition that each of us women got labeled with is not us. And that is exactly what Jackie Brown taught me.

Jackie doesn’t wait for someone to come with a version of herself that she could accept; she created her own. Crucially, she doesn’t need you to know it.

Jackie is aware of the fact that she is not young, and she also can’t afford to start over, so she decided to work smarter than she has ever done before. Quentin Tarantino made a point of casting Pam Grier at 44 and not asking her to apologise for it.

Jackie doesn’t talk about getting older and isn’t wasting energy on feeling sorry for herself. She’s way too busy being alive in her body, in her life, making moves.

Women between the ages of 28 and 42 are already being hit with the “before it’s too late” narrative. As we watch Jackie’s timeline, we see that it isn’t a countdown. It’s a slow boil, and there is so much power in this.

Jackie Brown doesn’t monologue her values or explain her motivations, her actions are being influenced from the inside out instead of the other way around.

In my essays and with everything that newsletter Orange & Kin is In this newsletter repeatedly, I mention the values that I hold as my navigation to life instead of goals as a destination.

Because we never know what life throws at us, and for me, the way to thrive is to hold on to the things that are important to me, no matter what. Jackie embodies this. She doesn’t have a vision board. She has a clear internal compass and a gorgeous poker face.

Jackie knows that she doesn’t need to burn everything down for drama in order to have the outcome she envisions for herself. She makes one very precise, very risky move. And she is scared, but she does it anyway. Even when fearful, she still believes in herself and her abilities. Then she drives away without a trail of attention.

The fantasy of the dramatic exit is everywhere in women’s media. Where women lose control of their emotions in the most erratic form. Jackie Brown shows something rare: the controlled pivot. It is such a strategic patience that not many of us are following right now, but I wish we would. Her exit doesn’t need to be witnessed to be real.

Sometimes, when people have done us wrong, we want them to see us in the way that we want to. But I feel like some people just never will, and they do not deserve a single second of attention moving forward.

The biggest lesson I can take from this is that even though you are the loudest person in the room, you are still capable. And that is something I am still getting comfortable with. For me, writing these essays, sharing my thoughts, sharing what I care about in a way that isn’t flashy, is still worth it and does not take anything away from it.

Jackie is not a role model in the traditional sense, and that is what, in fact, makes it aspirational. She’s a fictional form of the recognition that we need to see.

Especially for women who have been grinding in the dark, in the evening hours, playing longer games than anyone knows, carrying more than anyone sees or acknowledges.

Jackie is a reflection of that.

Love,

Romy

However, I just couldn’t understand why. Because I was doing all the right things. My job was very demanding, the workload was excessive, and my gut told me this was no longer the right fit. While still settling into our new family dynamic, getting comfortable again in my own skin, prioritizing quality time with our four-year-old, my partner, and the list goes on and on. I did not feel like changing jobs or careers would be a smart idea at that specific moment in our lives. I told myself not to worry.

I felt like I was balancing it out by redirecting my focus to things that were supposed to give me energy. To fill up a cup, because they fill up anyone’s cup. The gym was only four minutes away, and I tried to go at least once a week and combine it with yoga at home. The kids’ library was only five minutes away as well, and we were there every Saturday morning like it was our church. We were eating as nutritiously as possible. All the days of the week were packed! I was doing everything right, so I thought. I was putting so much energy into anything else, in doing so, that I couldn’t feel the weight of my demanding job. But the weight was still adding up. I was exhausted, unfulfilled, and lost.

Feeling lost and being unable to pinpoint what you need for yourself, while knowing exactly what your family needs, is a very lonely state to be in.

So during my therapy session, I explained my feelings and my confusion as to why I still did not feel any better. The reply from my therapist is something that has always stuck with me. He said: ‘Sometimes the bad cannot outweigh the good, no matter how much good you try to compensate it with’.

By trying to add more efficiency, optimization, and growth in my life, I was actually adding more pressure to myself. Looking back to this period of my life, I now realize that what I needed was actually nothing. Literally nothing.

This a new series: Every week, I share one small observation from daily life. The kind of thing you almost walk past. And why it connects to something much bigger. See the latest episode below:

In one of my previous articles Are you overwhelmed or just constantly interrupted?, I took a deep dive into fragmentation and its impact on us. And it connects to this subject as well. I'm happy to hear it with you.

In some (read: most) cases, a thirty-minute walk can do you more good than a full weekend retreat. And research confirms this as well. Our attention is fragmented instead of broken, and it can come back. Through being somewhere that doesn’t demand anything from you, rather than another attempt at productivity hacks.

Most women are told they lack discipline when they can’t focus. Attention Restoration Theory (ART) reframes this completely: the struggle is cognitive load rather than your character.

And I feel like this needs more awareness, especially for women and mothers, where there is a significant overlap between paid work and life at home with the kids.

ART emphasises the so-called soft fascination. The stimuli where you hold your attention by forcing the effort. I am talking about simple things like bird singing, the sound of moving water.

Basically, it’s the opposite of a notification. Even when you did nothing, it actually did something.

Where it gets interesting is that the research connects attentional fatigue to reduced self-regulation. It is more than just having trouble focusing; it spreads to trouble resisting, deciding, and even holding back on what is meant for you.

How often did you experience moments where you “couldn’t be bothered” and it seemed easier not to stick to what mattered to you? And feeling the guilt of failing afterwards.

ART identifies that one of the four restorative conditions is simply walking away. Because I am not talking about physically walking away here. But mentally from everyday demands. The research calls it a necessary event, though most will call it selfish.

And hear me out! Because I would be gutted if this important piece were to be misunderstood. Taking a moment for yourself, allowing yourself to settle into a moment where no action is required, where there is no space for optimization, is what I am talking about. We need to embrace the moments of nothingness and give ourselves space. This is the least we can do and the minimum that we need!

So on this Sunday evening, I hope to encourage you this week to take more moments, even if that looks like little pockets throughout the week, for yourself and do nothing. Go for a walk without any headphones, no podcasts, just you and your surroundings.

Love,

Romy

Thank you for being here. Orange & Kin is a free weekly newsletter for women who are curious about their own lives, the roles they play, the pressure they carry, and the version of themselves that exists underneath it all.

Each week: one honest essay, one reframe, one question worth sitting with.

I kept noticing how high the standard is that women hold themselves to. In how they parent, how they show up at work, how they look, and how much they give. And how little grace is left over for the moments when they inevitably fall short.

So I made something.

As women, we feel the pressure to be perfect in different aspects of our lives. I have created a tool called THE CASE FOR IMPERFECT.

This is a free reflection tool for the woman who is tired of holding herself to a standard she would never impose on anyone else.

This exercise is an invitation to look honestly at where you expect perfection from yourself and what it is actually costing you.

You can find the link for the PDF file here.

I hope something in it stays with you.

Love,

Romy

Back in March 2022, my partner and I went on a five-day trip without our kids. Our daughter was four years old, and our son was just six months old. So we were definitely craving some uninterrupted, unrushed quality time. So we booked a trip to Mallorca, neither of us had been there before, so it felt like a small adventure. On the first day of arrival, our bodies and minds were in complete shock. We realized how deep we were into the caretaking lifestyle once we actually stepped out of it. And being on a trip just the two of us, in a different setting, being able to have conversations without being interrupted felt almost unnatural. There was some effort needed to switch off the parent in ourselves.

The past 6 months were just a ping pong battle between survival and maintaining.

We went out for dinner, and it felt nice to dress up again, to feel sexy, wanted, and connected. At the end of the evening, I experienced very intense belly pain. We kind of rushed back to the hotel, where I crashed into the bed and slept for 12 hours (!). The next morning, I got my period for the first time after pregnancy. It’s funny how my body completely forgot what period cramps feel like. Every time I look back at this trip, I truly believe it was a reset for my body, mental state, and everything else. My body gave me a literal cue.

I realized so many things during this trip.

I realized it took me longer than expected to settle into being a family of four and a mom of two. I was still holding on to the fact that things were much easier with one kid. (I am one of those moms who finds going from one to two kids just as hard as going from zero to one.)

I knew then that it was time to close the chapter of being a family of three, flip the page to our next chapter, and surrender to this new dynamic as a family of four. I wonder if other mothers have felt the same.

Furthermore, I realized I had neglected my own needs, and I wanted to shift the narrative that the only way to be a good mother is to override your own needs for the sake of your kids. I wanted to put a limit on selflessness and bring more selfishness for my own sake. I was determined that once we were back from this trip, I would find a way to make all of our needs coexist. I could not remember the last time I picked up a paintbrush because I love painting, and I really missed being in the flow state while doing it, but there is no flow if you’re always being pulled mid-sentence by life.

“Flow is a state where you are so immersed in an activity that you lose track of time, self-consciousness fades, and you feel a deep sense of purpose and enjoyment. We often identify this as the optimal experience.” - Positive Psychology.com

I also think this process should not be a priority for the mother alone; without support from our partners, there is no way, and it will cause resentment in the dark. The sentence: “This is important to me, and I need your help”, has done us so much good. Especially for me, as a woman who finds it difficult to ask for help, and realizing how freeing it actually feels. Acknowledging that you cannot do everything alone, nor should that ever be the ambition.

Finally, I realized that I needed this trip more than I thought, and I took the opportunity to analyse myself and get to the root cause of what I was feeling. Being a mom of two young kids often feels like a pressure cooker, where time to think (with a sharp/fresh mind) is rare.

Those long drives through the mountains of Mallorca were perfect for thinking. Was I overwhelmed? Did I have postpartum depression? Was my job still exciting, or was it draining all my energy? Did I have an identity crisis? Or did I just feel pulled from all angles? I first needed to name what I was feeling to know how to move forward in the right direction.

This trip was a turnaround for me.

Life is busy, hectic, and chaotic. There are emails, text messages, the kids, household tasks, our partners, friends; there is always something to do, something that feels unfinished. Most women are not overwhelmed because life is too full; the actual reason is the constant split.

Fragmentation in motherhood is real in this time and age, and a lot of us are drowning in it. While being overwhelmed is very much the case for some. I do wonder if we are not mistaken the two with each other? Because overwhelm suggests that we are caring too much. Could it be that being constantly interrupted is an actual problem for us as well?

For me, the interruption goes beyond just my kids, work, or other external factors. Internally, there is also a lot happening. The mental to-do lists, feeling of guilt, staying on top of tasks and appointments, and the emotional load, to name a few. Even when it is quiet, my brain just keeps on running. I often feel like I am not a hundred percent in one moment, and guilt creeps in. Who else recognizes this:

You decide to role-play with your kid. While playing, you notice that their shirt is on the small side.

Mama, it’s your turn…

You realize that spring is coming, and it’s time to go through their closet for a seasonal update.

Mama, are you listening??

Being interrupted once or twice is obviously no big deal. We can handle that. However, over time, it can lead to:

• Nothing feeling satisfying

• Always “behind”

• Irritation and low patience

• Loss of presence

On that trip in Mallorca, I realized that I needed to reframe the narrative:

I needed to manage my time better → how can I protect my attention?

I was ready to reclaim my energy and to be present in the experiences that mattered to me.

As mothers, we are dealing with a lot, and we try to fit as much as possible in one day, and things often overlap with one another. While we think that we are multitasking, we are actually task hopping; we are basically just diluting ourselves between all these different factors. According to Harvard Health Publishing, we should focus more on monotasking:

“The solution to breaking free from multitasking is to monotask, meaning you focus on only one job until it’s completed. “This approach lowers the burden on working memory, reduces your vulnerability to distraction, and helps you complete the task more efficiently and quickly,” says Cho.

Effective monotasking revolves around managing time well, working for brief periods, blocking distractions, and managing stress.

A popular interval method is the Pomodoro Technique, in which you set a 25-minute timer and work straight through, followed by a five-minute break, and then repeat. (You can adjust the work time as needed.) There are many apps for smartphones and computers that follow the Pomodoro Technique, such as Pomodoro, Forest, and Focus Keeper.”

I think a method like the Pomodoro Technique is definitely one that we as mothers can benefit from, as motherhood is not a sprint; it’s more like a marathon, and we all need to find a way that works for us and our lifestyle.

I hope that my experience sparks something in you as well. Because I do think we can handle the load, I think the way we work through the load is where we can feel the difference. I don’t have it all figured out, nor do I aspire to do so. In this ever-changing journey, the only thing I can do is stay close to myself and hope you do the same.

Love,

Romy

Last Friday, my partner and I went for our weekly coffee date after school drop-off. This is something that I look forward to all week. It’s the moment when we do not talk about this that needs to be arranged, or tasks that need to be done. We just focus on each other and exchange whatever is on our minds without getting interrupted forty times. It’s April now, and our birthdays are coming up (we are 5 days and 10 years apart), and we like celebrating our birthdays together. Some might call it convenient, others might call it cute and romantic. For us it’s both.

During our birthday brainstorm, I realised that I am turning 30 this month, but this was not the realisation. It was the combination of turning 30, and not being able to tell if I was ahead, behind, or running.. right on track in life.

Because everyone is aware of the invisible checkpoint for multiple timelines once they turn 30. It’s funny because there is no official timeline or rulebook, yet everyone seems to know it, and you still feel like you are being graded. The timelines I am talking about here are

• Career

• “You should be established by now”

• Not just working… but clear, confident, progressing

• Titles start to matter more

• Doubt becomes less “exploration” and more “instability” (in the eyes of others)

Silent pressure: You had your 20s to figure it out. Why are you still figuring it out?

• Financial

• Savings, investments, maybe property

• Less tolerance for “starting over”

• Spending becomes something to justify

Silent pressure: You should have something to show for your years by now.

• Identity

• Long-term partner, marriage, or at least clarity

• Being single starts to get framed as a situation instead of a phase

Silent pressure: Why hasn’t this “worked out” yet?

• Motherhood

• Have kids, want kids, or have a clear decision about it and let’s not forget the pressure when a women does not want to have kids.

• Biological clock narratives creep in, subtly or not

Silent pressure: Time is not neutral anymore. Time stops feeling like something that simply passes… and shifts into something that can run out.

• Relationship

This one is less visible, but hits deeper.

• You should “know who you are”

• Less room for reinvention

• More expectation of consistency

Silent pressure: You should be a finished version of yourself by now.

• Lifestyle

• Where you live

• How stable your life looks

• Routine vs chaos

Silent pressure: Your life should look settled, even if it isn’t.

Feeling behind can feel for sure as a personal failure and women, including me, can be so hard on themselves. While so much of this feeling is fueled by e.g., external expectations and the algorithm. That feeling is simply a disalignment with external expectations and your pace (like your capacity and values).

Everyone in life is handed a certain set of cards at the start of life; we are all walking different paths.

I personally love the idea that you can’t be behind in a life you consciously chose. This brings so much peace. I also advise everyone to slow down in life, even when it feels like it brings you further away from your goal or the future you aspire to. Because that is what sustainable well-being means to me. I want to continue the same pace throughout my life, not only for myself but for my family as well. And when you actually decide the tempo, it brings so much of the feeling that you are in control back.

Just cut out all the noise and redefine what progress means to you.

The finish line was never real but the pressure is, and that’s what we need to question. For now, I want to end with:

You do you ♡

Love,

Romy

I don’t feel maternal, at least not in the way the world described it to me.

From the moment we knew that we were expecting our first child, I rarely thought about the ‘cute’ baby girl or ‘mini me’ I would hold in my arms within a few months. I was excited to meet her and start this new chapter with my partner, but the feelings of the unknown were overpowering. I found raising a kid for the upcoming twenty years (at least) more daunting than the inevitable labor or the postpartum and newborn phase.

I didn’t feel ready to be a mom at all; I knew absolutely nothing about babies or kids.

But what can you expect of a twenty-one-year-old?

So I thought the best thing I could do was give myself a speed course on parenting and motherhood and consume as much information as possible. I swapped Sex & the City for the Super Nanny. The more I read, the more I became aware of the maternal instinct phenomenon and realized that I do not have it. And with that realization, I hoped that I could compensate for the lack of maternal instinct with knowledge.

Now, nine years later, I can proudly say I still do not feel nor have developed any maternal instinct. I still do not wake up when my kid is crying at night. Luckily, my partner is a light sleeper, so kids are never short on having a night hero. I programmed myself to comfort my kids when they are sad or in pain. Instead of filling in the gaps with what I think they might need, I simply ask them how they would like to be comforted. Not having a maternal instinct has not been a negative factor in my motherhood journey. Let me tell you why.

I never connected to the idea that the motherhood journey should be an all-natural, soft, self-sacrificing experience. I never felt the desire to completely surrender to just being a mother. It does not come naturally to me, and because of that, I am actually one of the most relaxed moms out there. I observe them and tailor my actions to their needs, without losing sight of my own.

Everyone’s experience is different, yet only one side gets romanticized and never questioned. This creates guilt for women like me who don’t share the same feelings. I am not attacking experiences. However, as I said, everyone’s journey is different, so we cannot let others define for us how this must feel or look. When I searched it, the results were not kind.
Pages filled with “daughters of unloving mothers”, “maternal neglect”, “cold mother syndrome”, and “emotionally distant parenting”.

As if not feeling maternal automatically places you on the wrong side of motherhood.

I am here to say that it does not. You can still thrive, even if being a mother does not come naturally to you.

“According to Dr. Monk, to relieve the pressure from the belief that women always have a maternal instinct, it is crucial for mothers and expecting mothers to remember that raising young children is entirely a learned behavior with significant influences from the past and numerous opportunities to gain new influences and training in the present. There is no natural way for a person to become a good mother.” Vinmec - The Science Behind Maternal Instinct: Myth or Reality

Although, and obviously, motherhood is a huge part of my life and has shaped the woman I am today, it is not my personality, and my identity is not fixed. Some seasons require different things at times, and it’s a constant dance between what is needed from me as a mother and the direction I want to go as a woman with her own ambitions, needs, and goals. It’s so important to me that my kids see that side while growing up as well.

Read my previous take on the different phases of life:

Just like everything in life, practice makes perfect progress. Showing up and making the best choices with the resources you have, nurturing the relationships. Motherhood is a role you grow into, sometimes slowly, messy, chaotic, or all at once.

Personally, I came to terms with the fact that I do not love every phase of motherhood or share the same thoughts or worries as other mothers. However, this has never stood in the way of the love I felt for my own two kids. Having a non-maternal experience and being content with that does not make me less of a mother. As Angela Anagnost* mentions below, there is no benefit in beating yourself up about it. It’s my way of living, and walking through life as authentically as possible benefits me, and because of that, so does my family.

“Eventually, I started to feel like I was getting the hang of it. I was still unsteady, but I truly began enjoying my firstborn instead of beating myself up over things not coming naturally to me. And while I know I'm not maternal, I also know that I'm still a pretty damn good mother. I love both of my children despite my intense learning curve. So if "maternal" isn't in your DNA, it's OK. Trust me. Mothering will get easier and your children will love you no matter what. Don't let the word get in your way of being the best mother you can be.” Angela Anagnost - Repke, I’m a Mom, but I’m Not Maternal

The biggest advice I can give as someone who has been walking this journey for nine years now: replace the guilt for the missing instinct with intention. By showing up even if you do not feel like it. By seeking connection as a priority after an argument. By creating a safe space instead of a perfect one. Simply being self-aware. Instead of feeding into this maternal instinct phenomenon, it has been a game-changer when I reframed it for myself.

The beauty in all of this is that our motherhood experience is something we shape. We are constantly learning, adapting, and implementing. And I think that is the ultimate gift we can give ourselves by staying authentic.

Love,

Romy

I never understood the beauty in the compliment “you know exactly who you are.” Not for others nor myself. However, I cannot remember the last time someone gave me that compliment. Because I do change my mind a lot and to be fully honest it is actually a habit or personality trait that I enjoy about myself. For me, changing my mind means that I am updating my knowledge. Once I lock into something new, I just want to know everything about it, and knowing how much I do not know just becomes a booster to dive even deeper.

Women are often praised for “knowing who they are,” for being oh so adaptable. However, once that adaptability looks more like changing your mind, you become difficult, messy, or get slammed with the famous one liner: “You just don’t know what you want.” Why are women supposed to be cohesive at all times? Same desires, same values, same tone. Bit boring, isn’t it?

In my opinion it would be very beneficial to reframe flexibility as cognitive and emotional intelligence. I did some research on what it means to embrace a flexible mindset, how we move through different paths and ultimately prevent ourselves from getting stuck in our ways. And by adding flexibility in our feelings, we alter how we react to different circumstances. Could it be that by embracing these values and incorporating them with our own value system, we would never need to guess if or not our actions are aligning, because we would always move in an authentic way?

I also know firsthand why embracing this feels weird for the moms out there. As a mom you are expected to be this source of continuous stability that never backtracks. Not only in society but also towards your kids. There are obviously some factors that will forever remain unbreakable solid pillars in your foundation, because we obviously do not want to raise any psychos. For me, adding a bit of spontaneity wherever I can in my motherhood has only had positive influences. Also, I never shy away from changing my mind in front of my kids. I personally feel like explaining my reasoning is often enough for them to understand that we are changing direction. Sometimes I even ask them what they think, and what their decision would be if it were up to them. And even then there is room to change the direction still. I hope to give them the memories early on where my mind has changed, and that it is ok, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped it would.

The line between being flexible and self sabotaging is not always very clear. Especially over time, things can get even more blurred. You get used to certain behaviors from yourself and many from others. But who is making the choice to go which direction?

Let’s do something fun. Ever wondered if you are just being flexible or acting in a self sabotaging manner? Take the this rapid fire test and find out.

• Mostly yes → This shows that you are protecting yourself while you tell yourself that you are being flexible.

• Mostly no → This means that you are actually adapting to the needs around you yet staying true to your own needs.

• Unsure → This is the perfect moment for you to pause.

  ---

Motherhood is the ultimate mind changer. Not only do you, once becoming a mom, constantly make decisions for your kid, you also try as much as possible to tailor your own actions around it to support them. You are constantly rearranging your mental infrastructure. And that’s awesome, I think. How agile we truly are as women. Every woman goes through the season of coming to terms that their pre motherhood self and the pressure to stay her is not sustainable and does not coexist with this new life and version of themselves. I wish there would be more emphasis on this while women are pregnant. One of the reasons that I am more a fan of a mommy shower rather than a baby shower, but lets leave that to the side. What I am trying to say is that sometimes just simple awareness and a small reminder that many decisions you made while pregnant often don’t survive once you become a mom.

Another thing I find interesting is how black and white certain thoughts on change can be. Especially when you look at the guilt that comes with wanting things to be different after becoming a mom or wanting different things for yourself. The conversation between these thoughts is that there is barely to no room for change, no room to divert from the decisions that were once made. There is an actual shame for some women when their career, ambitions, or relationships steer into a different direction. And if we are really honest, we all have felt this way at some point in our lives.

Would there be a way for us to find peace if we would just accept that motherhood is hard? Decisions are constantly made and in some seasons priorities shift, which does not take anything away from our kids, our career, and most importantly ourselves. When did we see redirection in motherhood as a bad thing? The more time we spend on this earth, more and more versions of ourselves have existed in the past and will exist in the future. Therefore, your truth might look different yesterday than it does tomorrow. This brings me to my next and final thought: could it be that we in some cases confuse being consistent in our choices with being authentic?

See you next week for part 2. Will you stick around?

Love,

Romy

In the first week of the year, I would like to explore the facade of New Year’s resolutions. And with that, I have many questions and angles I would like to explore, like why do so many of us feel the urge to “reset” in January? Why does this moment feel loaded before you even start? Is this about time, or is this about control? Or could it be fear of standing still?

I notice with myself that with each new year I feel like I just wrapped up the one two years prior. Recently, I realised that I move through life by seasons, not by years. For me, time is cyclical rather than linear. Which means seasons filled with intentions that are value based, and do not follow the time frame of a single year. More on that later.

First, let’s dig into the past for a bit. Back in the day, as in over 4000 years ago, during a 12 day religious festival called Akitu, the Babylonians created a ritual where they would return items that they had borrowed from each other and pay debt as an act to restore balance in their community and perhaps even earn good luck in return. The more I read about it, the more I wish we could bring this back within our own communities. The biggest difference between the past and the present is the collective shift from making promises, doing good, meaningful acts to gods and community, to our individuality and optimizing our own personal lives, especially in our hyper individualistic Western society.

And the desire to start over has never left. This is what behavioural scientists call the fresh start effect. Which is basically that with each new cycle, such as Mondays, birthdays, and New Year’s, we feel very optimistic about reaching our goals. It’s as if we turn the page on who we are, distancing ourselves from previous failures and behaviours that no longer serve us. This is why temporary turning points, Mondays, birthdays, New Year’s, feel so powerful. The effect is not only that; it actually increases your motivation as well. However, as mentioned, these turning points are temporary, so is its booster for motivation.

So I did some digging into identity reset and behavior change, exploring their connection to each other. Behavioral changes or goals only last if our identity supports them. Only focusing on what you want to achieve or on what your goal is, is basically not enough. Instead, you need to believe and focus on the person you want to become. So quick question, are your current New Year’s resolutions supported by your identity? If yes, great :) If not, perhaps have a look at the suggestions of the author James Clear, from Atomic Habits, which I personally found very interesting:

“Change your outcomes. Set new goals.

Change your processes. Set new habits, new activities, new meetings.

Change your identity or your beliefs. Set new thoughts or perspectives”

And this is nothing new. By systematically changing the narrative of our beliefs about ourselves, we create habits that support our changing identity, and we reach the outcomes we would like to see or experience.

As I mentioned earlier, I have started to lean into the fact that time is rather cyclical than linear. Just like the moon, our cycles as women, and all things in nature, the cycle repeats. The philosophy behind cyclical time is that time moves in repeating cycles, and somewhere in the future, there is a fixed point where a complete reset happens, and the cycle ends yet renews. If we were able to recognize that life moves in cycles, perhaps it would be easier to handle the ups and downs, instead of fighting against them. Which is obviously in some cases easier said than done. Motherhood is a great example of this. Some seasons seem to last forever, those moments where you sit in the dark completely worn out and overstimulated, wondering when it will pass, noticing how you are not able to get things right, second guessing yourself. And maybe a day, a month, or a year later, those same feelings have passed and the difference can be just like day and night. And I find that such a beautiful thing.

My goal here is to help you perhaps consider your yearly goals, to analyze in what season you are in, and to ask yourself what your intention is for this season. Some seasons are for expanding and creating, while others might be for maintaining what is currently right in front of us. Just re fall in love with what is current.

And for me? This year will be the one without any promises. Just simple seasonal intentions.

Love,

Romy

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Everywhere you look, someone is working on themselves with a new routine, course or mindset shift. It’s all very inspiring for sure. However, slowly it starts to feel like another task you are failing at.

I think that the current generation is exposed to a lot of knowledge, which is amazing. We are so much more aware of the impact of our actions, habits, mental conditions and environments. Most of us (not all) are fortunate enough to be able to use the resources around us to become the best version of ourselves. But when does becoming the best version of yourself low-key become a form of self-criticism? It feels almost that we are trying to escape from ourselves. I have also seen mindfulness become another checkbox: meditate check, journal check, self-regulate check. I remember reading in Kek Mama (Dutch magazine on motherhood). A woman explaining how her daily 7 o’clock morning yoga routine had the opposite effect on her well-being than what it was intended to do. Nowadays growth easily becomes performative. Are you growing to achieve, track or to prove something? So let’s unpack that!

One of the beliefs behind Orange & Kin is well-being. And well-being is not always about fixing yourself. And you don’t have to fix yourself to be well. Often it’s actually returning to yourself. You only need to remember who you are underneath the noise. The narrative of fixing is to assume that something is wrong with you that needs fixing. Returning to yourself is rather looking inwards than upwards. And reconnecting with what is already there inside of you

.

That’s why I created Orange & Kin. Not to ask you to become someone new, rather to invite you to remember who you are. Where you belong, to yourself, to your body, to nature, to other women.

Your approach to well-being is not about “upgrading” your life but realigning it. It’s sustainability in well-being: not more effort, but more awareness. Not self-optimization, but self-remembrance.

Life is a constant change of seasons and growth is not linear. We move through cycles. Therefore, if we are being honest to ourselves we give ourselves rest and expect uncertainty and imperfection. Which is not always that easy to follow. I guess what I am getting at is that sometimes the most effective form of self-work is not working on yourself at all.

What would your well-being look like if you stopped trying to optimize it?

Love,
Romy

I wanted to write about this subject for a while now. Because I find the fine line between things quite fascinating. Over the years our culture, especially online started to celebrate “radical honesty”. There is a fine line actually between speaking our truth and sharing all our baggage which we dont want to hold to anymore. And this radical honesty which is just unfiltered sharing, is often confused with vulnerability.

So what I learned is that there is no right or wrong here, honestly. We are just exploring how we share our emotions and the impact it has on our relationships and well being. Rather to prevent us of not sharing our emotions.

So let’s do a deep dive, shall we?

So on one hand we have emotional dumping, which is often a reactive, unprocessed and somewhat urgent form of emotional release rather than actually connecting with the other person. Emotional dumping comes from a state of overwhelm and disconnection from self regulation. It is basically a cry for co regulation, but without reading the room. Guilty woman here… After dumping we might feel drained and or exposed, while the listener feels heavy or maybe even helpless.

Vulnerability on the other hand is grounding and intentional sharing. It is basically after we have already processed what we are feeling and choose to share consciously. Being vulnerable is to invite an other person in our world for understanding not to fix it. This boosts not only the connection but also the trust, and intimacy. Win win win. So instead of pushing the emotion away we are naming it.

While reading this you might think: well f*ck emotional dumping then! Well, no. We can actually learn a lot from emotional dumping if you look close enough. When we feel overwhelmed, our body is actually looking for co regulation: a calm nervous system nearby to remind us that we’re safe. When we release emotions verbally, the brain begins to self soothe and the stress hormones lower, oxytocin goes up, and clarity slowly comes back. And we usually also appreciate the person in front of us for being there for us. So actually emotional dumping can be super beneficial for us, if we choose the right time.

Even though our own choices have a huge impact on the how and when. Social media has also blurred the lines between the two by framing oversharing as authenticity. For example online we mistake emotional exposure for connection. And even though we feel immediately validated, it fades pretty fast and leaves you more emptier than before. Interesting right?

I did not want to make this article about mothers as this subject goes for everyone really. However, mothers, especially in the first years of motherhood emotional and physical exhaustion are factors that blur these boundaries. Many women in this phase of life feel isolated, lonely and desperate want to let people in their world. Loneliness and the lack of genuine support makes our emotions louder. It blurs the line between needing to connect and needing to unload.

A 2021 study of mothers with children under three found that 34.8% were socially isolated, linked to fewer people to confide in and less partner support (PubMed, 2021). Another study (UK, 2017) showed that peer support in early motherhood significantly reduced feelings of isolation, anxiety, and stress (PubMed, 2017). When emotional support is missing, loneliness makes us reach for connection in ways that can overwhelm others or ourselves.

Being vulnerable does not have to be difficult and be done by just asking yourself one simple question. Let’s call it intentional emotional hygiene. Which is learning to hold emotions long enough to express them with awareness. In other words: It’s not about expressing whats on our minds, rather how and with whom we share.

What do I truly need? Is it empathy, advice, or silence?

Research shows that combining emotion regulation skills with social support significantly reduces psychological distress (BMC Psychology, 2023). 

Vulnerability is something beautiful almost art like. And maybe that’s the real art of being seen: learning to see ourselves first, so that others can meet us there too.

“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” - James Baldwin

Love,

Romy

Back in the day when I would hear someone say the phrase: “I lost my spark.” I would not think much of it. My opinion used to be: You neglected your own needs for too long, you just go back to doing your thing, and your spark will return. As simple as that.

Now I know better. Because some time ago, I lost my spark myself. Once I realized that I lost it, I could not even remember the last time I had it! I think for me, the fact that I did not even realize it was gone was actually the big shock. How could I have neglected myself for such a long time? How could I just go about my day and not give myself a single thought, care, or attention? Obviously, I can name 100 reasons why—family life, work, household, whatever—which are all valid reasons. It did not prevent me from feeling sadness and maybe even a small sprinkle of fear. I was scared of losing myself or that I would not care enough to include myself in my day as well. I guess losing your spark does not happen overnight. While everything was going well for my family and at work, it still felt out of balance.

In my opinion, you lose your spark when you lose track of your internal compass. I asked myself the questions: How long am I able to continue like this? Is there a way for me to enjoy life while having all these different roles?

We all have our whys figured out. But for me, the foundation behind the why was missing. How do I navigate between the different roles? How do I make sure I stay consistent at showing up for myself?

I just did not know where to take it from there. I knew I needed a compass inside myself to make sure that I was living in alignment in every role that I needed to step into.

Based on everything that I have learned so far about positive psychology, moving forward, I decided that my value system should consist of only four elements that I want to live by. These values allow me to be the person I want to be for my kids, my partner, and, more importantly, for myself. So let’s dive in.

Authenticity

Modern motherhood is full of invisible performances. We move to different spaces and roles. And because of that, things can become quite fluid—the way we move through these spaces. At least for me. And what happened in the past is that I became a watered-down version of myself to fit into these roles or blend into certain spaces. That is just a single layer of it and, for example, being a people pleaser (like me) adds to this mix. What will be left of you?

For me, one of the goals I have as a mother is that my kids remember me as someone who was her own person. I hope I inspire them to explore all parts of themselves—the good and the bad, the insecurities and the confidence—even in parenthood. So if that is my goal, I need to live my life as authentically as possible, not as a toned-down version.

Mindfulness

In motherhood, there is a lot of multitasking. Being in the here and now is not something that comes naturally to me. Yet, I can beat myself up when I realize how fast time goes, and when I have been listening only half to a story my kids told me because I was also folding laundry and was more focused on getting the folding correct.

It’s easy for me to name 3 things I am worried about, 5 burning to-dos on my list. But when I try to name 3 things to observe in my surroundings, or 5 things I am grateful for in this moment, it takes a lot longer.

It took a while for me to realize that there will always be something to do, some work to be done. But being in this moment, in the here and now, and actually connecting with myself and with my family. That opportunity will not always be there.

So now, when someone tells me a story, an event, or whatever, I stop whatever I’m doing, I look them in the eye and ask them to start from the beginning, and just watch the magic appear in their eyes.

Intentional Motherhood

There is an intersectionality between all of the values. However, for me, the combination of authenticity, mindfulness, and sustainable well-being brings me to intentional motherhood. The art of making sure that how I live my life, my family benefits from. Either directly or indirectly, from me simply being happy.

I ask myself: Does this action contribute a positive impact on my experience in motherhood?

Intentional motherhood for me means choosing how I want to shape my role as a mother, what values I want to pass on, how I want to show up, and what balance feels right for me. Parenting with purpose while remembering that my kids don’t need a perfect mother. They benefit so much more from a present and authentic one.

Sustainable Well-Being

It is really easy to follow other people’s stories and do the things that work for others. In an age where it is easy to confuse someone else’s life with your own wishes and needs, taking the time to explore my own needs and wishes has been a game-changer.

I ask myself: Which actions am I able to take, over and over?

Sustainable well-being is exploring rhythms I can actually live by, big or small. Repeatable choices that support our bodies, minds, and hearts day after day. For mothers, this matters deeply because our well-being shapes not just our own lives, but the lives of our children.

I often hear and read the phrase: You need to start with why. While that is really important, I do feel like it’s just as important to know and to understand the pillars that support that why. These values above are the pillars on which my why is built.

If nothing else, I hope this reminds you that your values are your compass. They are the quiet anchors beneath the noise. With them, life feels a little lighter, a little truer.

Love,

Romy

Somewhere along the way, “having it all” became the new glass ceiling. It’s shiny, desirable, something we’re told to aim for… but almost impossible to reach.

The idea started back in the 1960s, during the second wave of feminism. Women were fighting for equal opportunities, education, careers, freedom and more. At first, “having it all” simply meant having a choice. You could build a career. You could be a mother. You could create your own path.

But somewhere, that freedom shifted into expectation. Suddenly, we were supposed to do it all : career, motherhood, relationships, self-care, growth. And we were supposed to do it perfectly.

I guess, by default, society created a no-win situation. We’re expected to be fully dedicated at work, but also fully present at home. That’s already a lot to carry. And then you add motherhood to the mix, and the guilt and pressure just keep growing.

And now there’s social media. Everywhere we look, there’s this illusion of balance. Perfectly styled homes. Calm, smiling mothers. “Effortless” careers. It’s hard not to compare yourself, even when you know deep down… most of it isn’t real.

And yet, women are resilient by nature. We push through the lack of sleep, the constant mental load, the multitasking. But let’s be honest, it does take a toll. It affects our happiness, our emotional regulation, our sense of meaning.

A recent study even showed that 81% of working mothers feel burned out trying to manage it all. Eighty-one percent. That says everything.

When we hold ourselves to unrealistic standards, and we can’t maintain them, we start feeling like we’re failing. When we chase this version of “success,” we lose touch with what actually matters. And slowly, the meaning and fulfillment we’re craving start to slip away.

So maybe it’s time to reframe what “having it all” really means.

In positive psychology, there’s this beautiful idea about life domains. It reminds us that life moves in seasons. Not everything has to bloom at once. In some seasons, your career might take more focus. In others, it might be motherhood, well-being, or relationships. I will talk about the life domains in the next substack.

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Once we understand this, we can choose where our energy goes without guilt. We can be more intentional about what matters right now, instead of trying to do everything, all the time.

There are so many narratives out there. So many opinions about what a “good mother” or a “successful woman” should look like. And honestly, it can get loud in your head.

For me, intentional motherhood has changed everything. It helped me clear the mental clutter by deciding, for myself, where I want to put my energy. Not based on what’s expected of me. Not based on comparison. But based on my own values.

And maybe that’s where the shift happens, when we start asking ourselves simple questions:

• “What truly matters to me right now? Not forever, just in this season.”

• “What would ‘enough’ look like for me, not for anyone else?”

Because maybe “having it all” was never about doing it all. Maybe it’s about choosing what matters, and giving ourselves permission to let the rest go.

With love,
Romy

Back in 2018, just 10 weeks after our first kid was born, my maternity leave came to an end. To be honest, I did not think too much of it. As it was my first time returning to the workforce, I wasn't sure what to expect. I was more curious about how it would be to go back to work than listening to my needs. In other words, I am often a person who says: “Let’s just see how it goes…”
And how did it go?
Bad…
Within one year, I resigned from my job as a retail store manager, feeling burned out. The combination of a high-pressure job with the lack of support, combined with navigating life as a new mother, was just not a good mix.

Looking back, I said yes way too many times than I should have. I think I just wanted to go back to how things were before. I did not want to give anyone the idea that anything had changed, that I was still as reliable as before. I did not want to give anyone the idea that being a mom had any (negative) impact on my performance. However, I see now that any change, big or small, I perceived as negative, even if it wasn’t.

When it was my second time returning to work after the birth of our second kid in 2021, I took a longer leave to start with, and I returned for fewer hours per week just to test the waters, so to speak. Also, because of COVID, both my partner and I were forced to work remotely, which was actually really helpful to maintain a good balance between our new life as a family of four. Additionally, also for myself, I also experienced physical difficulties and a slow recovery from the birth up until 9 months after. I will be forever grateful for this time that we were able to slow things down.

Everyone’s journey is also so different. Some people recover fast, others slowly. Some women are eager to go back to the workforce, and others prefer to stay home for a longer period. All is fine. I think what is important is to give women the choice of when to return.
If you ask me, 10 weeks after the birth of a child, a woman is not ready to return to the workforce.
Why?
The changes a woman endures aren’t just hormonal. Evidence in neuroscience reveals that women lose gray matter in the brain during their pregnancy, which can take up to 2 years after birth to develop back. It can take up to 3 to 6 months for our hormones to be restored to balance after pregnancy, just to name a few. The physical and mental changes are, or can be, intense and a lot to process. On top of that, emotionally, our experiences may vary. The layers of motherhood go deep. It's a continuous process of getting to know yourself, your priorities, your surroundings, just to name a few.

Obviously, the intensity can vary and perhaps you also feel everything all at the same time. However, I do think that knowing the possibilities beforehand, or even during pregnancy or the postpartum period, can definitely help give us the grace to navigate through this process, as well as being aware of the factors that perhaps slow down our recovery or trigger us.

Instead of measuring success by the speed of “bouncing back,” what if we measured success by well-being and presence? So here are some tips and tricks you can craft yourself for a slow yet intentional return:

• Create your own soft landing plan. Include in this plan key priorities that make YOU feel accomplished and that are focused on your own needs.

• Redefine productivity for yourself. After maternity leave, it’s important to understand that you might not be able to go at the same speed as before. And even if you can, pace it if possible. You are running a different kind of marathon right now.

• Even when you are at the office, tend to the mother in you. You are healing, take care of yourself.

• Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Even if that means circling back tomorrow. If it makes sense to you, then that is what we are doing. Nothing else to add here ;)

What would it look like if companies actively supported the transition into motherhood? Some companies are doing a great job; others… they have A LOT to learn. Here are also tips and tricks you can discuss with your company, if needed, to support you in this new phase of life:

• Suggest fewer hours at the beginning of your return. Perhaps you can use unpaid PTO or start off part-time.

• Adjust workload and focus on clear responsibilities.

• Request, if possible, remote days or flexible work hours.

• Dedicated (non-negotiable) time for pumping. This is already supported by law in the Netherlands. You can dedicate up to 1/4 of your shift to pumping.

• Request a weekly check-in with your manager. This creates psychological safety and also gives you and your co-worker the chance to align if needed.

Wherever you are in your motherhood journey. Maybe just beginning, or somewhere in the middle. Please know that your experience is valid. You don’t have to bounce back. It's totally fine to move forward in a different way.

Let’s keep talking about this. Let’s keep making space for ourselves, and for all the moms coming after us.

Let’s start redefining success through well-being, flexibility, respect and understanding for our transitions. I hope we can create a time when we stop designing work only for the pre-motherhood version of ourselves.

And let’s hold the door open for the next mother walking through it.

Love,

Romy