Are we forcing women to bounce back professionally too soon?
Because the woman that is returning is not the same.
Back in 2018, just 10 weeks after our first kid was born, my maternity leave came to an end. To be honest, I did not think too much of it. As it was my first time returning to the workforce, I wasn't sure what to expect. I was more curious about how it would be to go back to work than listening to my needs. In other words, I am often a person who says: “Let’s just see how it goes…”
And how did it go?
Bad…
Within one year, I resigned from my job as a retail store manager, feeling burned out. The combination of a high-pressure job with the lack of support, combined with navigating life as a new mother, was just not a good mix.
Looking back, I said yes way too many times than I should have. I think I just wanted to go back to how things were before. I did not want to give anyone the idea that anything had changed, that I was still as reliable as before. I did not want to give anyone the idea that being a mom had any (negative) impact on my performance. However, I see now that any change, big or small, I perceived as negative, even if it wasn’t.
When it was my second time returning to work after the birth of our second kid in 2021, I took a longer leave to start with, and I returned for fewer hours per week just to test the waters, so to speak. Also, because of COVID, both my partner and I were forced to work remotely, which was actually really helpful to maintain a good balance between our new life as a family of four. Additionally, also for myself, I also experienced physical difficulties and a slow recovery from the birth up until 9 months after. I will be forever grateful for this time that we were able to slow things down.
Everyone’s journey is also so different. Some people recover fast, others slowly. Some women are eager to go back to the workforce, and others prefer to stay home for a longer period. All is fine. I think what is important is to give women the choice of when to return.
If you ask me, 10 weeks after the birth of a child, a woman is not ready to return to the workforce.
Why?
The changes a woman endures aren’t just hormonal. Evidence in neuroscience reveals that women lose gray matter in the brain during their pregnancy, which can take up to 2 years after birth to develop back. It can take up to 3 to 6 months for our hormones to be restored to balance after pregnancy, just to name a few. The physical and mental changes are, or can be, intense and a lot to process. On top of that, emotionally, our experiences may vary. The layers of motherhood go deep. It's a continuous process of getting to know yourself, your priorities, your surroundings, just to name a few.
Obviously, the intensity can vary and perhaps you also feel everything all at the same time. However, I do think that knowing the possibilities beforehand, or even during pregnancy or the postpartum period, can definitely help give us the grace to navigate through this process, as well as being aware of the factors that perhaps slow down our recovery or trigger us.
Instead of measuring success by the speed of “bouncing back,” what if we measured success by well-being and presence? So here are some tips and tricks you can craft yourself for a slow yet intentional return:
Create your own soft landing plan. Include in this plan key priorities that make YOU feel accomplished and that are focused on your own needs.
Redefine productivity for yourself. After maternity leave, it’s important to understand that you might not be able to go at the same speed as before. And even if you can, pace it if possible. You are running a different kind of marathon right now.
Even when you are at the office, tend to the mother in you. You are healing, take care of yourself.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Even if that means circling back tomorrow. If it makes sense to you, then that is what we are doing. Nothing else to add here ;)
What would it look like if companies actively supported the transition into motherhood? Some companies are doing a great job; others… they have A LOT to learn. Here are also tips and tricks you can discuss with your company, if needed, to support you in this new phase of life:
Suggest fewer hours at the beginning of your return. Perhaps you can use unpaid PTO or start off part-time.
Adjust workload and focus on clear responsibilities.
Request, if possible, remote days or flexible work hours.
Dedicated (non-negotiable) time for pumping. This is already supported by law in the Netherlands. You can dedicate up to 1/4 of your shift to pumping.
Request a weekly check-in with your manager. This creates psychological safety and also gives you and your co-worker the chance to align if needed.
Wherever you are in your motherhood journey. Maybe just beginning, or somewhere in the middle. Please know that your experience is valid. You don’t have to bounce back. It's totally fine to move forward in a different way.
Let’s keep talking about this. Let’s keep making space for ourselves, and for all the moms coming after us.
Let’s start redefining success through well-being, flexibility, respect and understanding for our transitions. I hope we can create a time when we stop designing work only for the pre-motherhood version of ourselves.
And let’s hold the door open for the next mother walking through it.
Love,
Romy