Are we losing ourselves in the self-development culture?
When does the pursuit of improvement stop being empowering and start becoming a new kind of pressure?
We live in a time where, even if you like it or not, we are confronted with a better way of living or how we are doing a shitty job at whatever it is. From dramatic clickbait titles online, self-help bestsellers, some might even say their parents. Everywhere I look, women are working on themselves. But lately I wonder… what happened to just being?
I believe there is a fine line between positive self improvement and toxic self development. How does toxic self development look? That is different for everyone because how it unfolds in each life may vary. There is a fine line between the two. Let’s have a look at some examples:
Toxic Self-Development Believes:
“I need to fix myself.”
When we are (sub)conscious(ly) battling shame and a negative self image, growth becomes a way to punish ourselves.
“If I just follow the right morning routine, I'll finally be enough.”
With this belief we might ignore our body’s signals and real needs.“I must be perfect to be lovable.”
Improvement becomes self punishment. Mistakes feel like failure. For full transparency, this is one I struggle with myself as well.“Everyone else is ahead of me.”
Constant comparison leads to burnout and a (slow) disconnection from yourself. (!)
Do you recognise any of the toxic beliefs in yourself? If yes, you are not alone. If no, let’s have another honest look, shall we? When there is negative self talk or an external seed planted in our heads and we just let it sit there, it starts rooting itself into our self image, our story. We run a story that isn’t even ours at this point.
Positive self-improvement Believes:
“I want to better understand myself.”
Growth is rooted in curiosity, not self hate. Ditch the belief that we are somehow broken rather remind ourselves that we are just human.“I listen to what I need today.”
Follow the path of your unique rhythm. You don’t have to earn your worth through structure.“I love learning and evolving.”
Growth is actually quite joyful, flexible and messy :). You don’t need to arrive at your true self, you just keep showing up. That is how you already become her by taking the first step.
The bottom line is basically: be gentle towards yourself. Embrace your uniqueness. Giving ourselves grace while figuring everything out is essential for success, with everything really. I don’t know how you feel, but I feel like life can be already quite tough, so why do we let ourselves be another factor we need to battle through life?
To live more intentional based on our own rhythm, we can ask ourselves the following questions:
Am I trying to grow because I love myself or because I don’t feel good enough yet?
Is this goal aligned with my values or with someone else’s expectations of me?
Would I still want this change if no one else ever saw it or praised it?
Am I listening to my body and energy, or pushing through to prove something?
Do I feel more connected to myself through this process or more disconnected and anxious?
Am I being kind to myself when I make mistakes or do I beat myself up for not being “better” yet?
Is this growth sustainable or is it costing me sleep, peace, or presence?
Am I comparing my journey to others or staying grounded in my own timeline?
Do I allow space for rest, joy, and simply being or is every moment another opportunity to utilize?
What would change if I believed I’m already enough even as I grow?
You’re allowed to grow gently, in your own way, at your own pace.
Love,
Romy