Are women allowed to change their minds?
Part 1 - Flexibility without self-betrayal
I never understood the beauty in the compliment “you know exactly who you are.” Not for others nor myself. However, I cannot remember the last time someone gave me that compliment. Because I do change my mind a lot and to be fully honest it is actually a habit or personality trait that I enjoy about myself. For me, changing my mind means that I am updating my knowledge. Once I lock into something new, I just want to know everything about it, and knowing how much I do not know just becomes a booster to dive even deeper.
Women are often praised for “knowing who they are,” for being oh so adaptable. However, once that adaptability looks more like changing your mind, you become difficult, messy, or get slammed with the famous one liner: “You just don’t know what you want.” Why are women supposed to be cohesive at all times? Same desires, same values, same tone. Bit boring, isn’t it?
In my opinion it would be very beneficial to reframe flexibility as cognitive and emotional intelligence. I did some research on what it means to embrace a flexible mindset, how we move through different paths and ultimately prevent ourselves from getting stuck in our ways. And by adding flexibility in our feelings, we alter how we react to different circumstances. Could it be that by embracing these values and incorporating them with our own value system, we would never need to guess if or not our actions are aligning, because we would always move in an authentic way?
I also know firsthand why embracing this feels weird for the moms out there. As a mom you are expected to be this source of continuous stability that never backtracks. Not only in society but also towards your kids. There are obviously some factors that will forever remain unbreakable solid pillars in your foundation, because we obviously do not want to raise any psychos. For me, adding a bit of spontaneity wherever I can in my motherhood has only had positive influences. Also, I never shy away from changing my mind in front of my kids. I personally feel like explaining my reasoning is often enough for them to understand that we are changing direction. Sometimes I even ask them what they think, and what their decision would be if it were up to them. And even then there is room to change the direction still. I hope to give them the memories early on where my mind has changed, and that it is ok, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped it would.
The line between being flexible and self sabotaging is not always very clear. Especially over time, things can get even more blurred. You get used to certain behaviors from yourself and many from others. But who is making the choice to go which direction?
Let’s do something fun. Ever wondered if you are just being flexible or acting in a self sabotaging manner? Take the this rapid fire test and find out.
Mostly yes → This shows that you are protecting yourself while you tell yourself that you are being flexible.
Mostly no → This means that you are actually adapting to the needs around you yet staying true to your own needs.
Unsure → This is the perfect moment for you to pause.
Motherhood is the ultimate mind changer. Not only do you, once becoming a mom, constantly make decisions for your kid, you also try as much as possible to tailor your own actions around it to support them. You are constantly rearranging your mental infrastructure. And that’s awesome, I think. How agile we truly are as women. Every woman goes through the season of coming to terms that their pre motherhood self and the pressure to stay her is not sustainable and does not coexist with this new life and version of themselves. I wish there would be more emphasis on this while women are pregnant. One of the reasons that I am more a fan of a mommy shower rather than a baby shower, but lets leave that to the side. What I am trying to say is that sometimes just simple awareness and a small reminder that many decisions you made while pregnant often don’t survive once you become a mom.
Another thing I find interesting is how black and white certain thoughts on change can be. Especially when you look at the guilt that comes with wanting things to be different after becoming a mom or wanting different things for yourself. The conversation between these thoughts is that there is barely to no room for change, no room to divert from the decisions that were once made. There is an actual shame for some women when their career, ambitions, or relationships steer into a different direction. And if we are really honest, we all have felt this way at some point in our lives.
Would there be a way for us to find peace if we would just accept that motherhood is hard? Decisions are constantly made and in some seasons priorities shift, which does not take anything away from our kids, our career, and most importantly ourselves. When did we see redirection in motherhood as a bad thing? The more time we spend on this earth, more and more versions of ourselves have existed in the past and will exist in the future. Therefore, your truth might look different yesterday than it does tomorrow. This brings me to my next and final thought: could it be that we in some cases confuse being consistent in our choices with being authentic?
See you next week for part 2. Will you stick around?
Love,
Romy