Are you overwhelmed or just constantly interrupted?
Fragmented attention and the cost of never finishing a thought.
Back in March 2022, my partner and I went on a five-day trip without our kids. Our daughter was four years old, and our son was just six months old. So we were definitely craving some uninterrupted, unrushed quality time. So we booked a trip to Mallorca, neither of us had been there before, so it felt like a small adventure. On the first day of arrival, our bodies and minds were in complete shock. We realized how deep we were into the caretaking lifestyle once we actually stepped out of it. And being on a trip just the two of us, in a different setting, being able to have conversations without being interrupted felt almost unnatural. There was some effort needed to switch off the parent in ourselves.
The past 6 months were just a ping pong battle between survival and maintaining.
We went out for dinner, and it felt nice to dress up again, to feel sexy, wanted, and connected. At the end of the evening, I experienced very intense belly pain. We kind of rushed back to the hotel, where I crashed into the bed and slept for 12 hours (!). The next morning, I got my period for the first time after pregnancy. It’s funny how my body completely forgot what period cramps feel like. Every time I look back at this trip, I truly believe it was a reset for my body, mental state, and everything else. My body gave me a literal cue.
I realized so many things during this trip.
I realized it took me longer than expected to settle into being a family of four and a mom of two. I was still holding on to the fact that things were much easier with one kid. (I am one of those moms who finds going from one to two kids just as hard as going from zero to one.)
I knew then that it was time to close the chapter of being a family of three, flip the page to our next chapter, and surrender to this new dynamic as a family of four. I wonder if other mothers have felt the same.
Furthermore, I realized I had neglected my own needs, and I wanted to shift the narrative that the only way to be a good mother is to override your own needs for the sake of your kids. I wanted to put a limit on selflessness and bring more selfishness for my own sake. I was determined that once we were back from this trip, I would find a way to make all of our needs coexist. I could not remember the last time I picked up a paintbrush because I love painting, and I really missed being in the flow state while doing it, but there is no flow if you’re always being pulled mid-sentence by life.
“Flow is a state where you are so immersed in an activity that you lose track of time, self-consciousness fades, and you feel a deep sense of purpose and enjoyment. We often identify this as the optimal experience.” - Positive Psychology.com
I also think this process should not be a priority for the mother alone; without support from our partners, there is no way, and it will cause resentment in the dark. The sentence: “This is important to me, and I need your help”, has done us so much good. Especially for me, as a woman who finds it difficult to ask for help, and realizing how freeing it actually feels. Acknowledging that you cannot do everything alone, nor should that ever be the ambition.
Finally, I realized that I needed this trip more than I thought, and I took the opportunity to analyse myself and get to the root cause of what I was feeling. Being a mom of two young kids often feels like a pressure cooker, where time to think (with a sharp/fresh mind) is rare.
Those long drives through the mountains of Mallorca were perfect for thinking. Was I overwhelmed? Did I have postpartum depression? Was my job still exciting, or was it draining all my energy? Did I have an identity crisis? Or did I just feel pulled from all angles? I first needed to name what I was feeling to know how to move forward in the right direction.
This trip was a turnaround for me.
Life is busy, hectic, and chaotic. There are emails, text messages, the kids, household tasks, our partners, friends; there is always something to do, something that feels unfinished. Most women are not overwhelmed because life is too full; the actual reason is the constant split.
Fragmentation in motherhood is real in this time and age, and a lot of us are drowning in it. While being overwhelmed is very much the case for some. I do wonder if we are not mistaken the two with each other? Because overwhelm suggests that we are caring too much. Could it be that being constantly interrupted is an actual problem for us as well?
For me, the interruption goes beyond just my kids, work, or other external factors. Internally, there is also a lot happening. The mental to-do lists, feeling of guilt, staying on top of tasks and appointments, and the emotional load, to name a few. Even when it is quiet, my brain just keeps on running. I often feel like I am not a hundred percent in one moment, and guilt creeps in. Who else recognizes this:
You decide to role-play with your kid. While playing, you notice that their shirt is on the small side.
Mama, it’s your turn…
You realize that spring is coming, and it’s time to go through their closet for a seasonal update.
Mama, are you listening??
Being interrupted once or twice is obviously no big deal. We can handle that. However, over time, it can lead to:
Nothing feeling satisfying
Always “behind”
Irritation and low patience
Loss of presence
On that trip in Mallorca, I realized that I needed to reframe the narrative:
I needed to manage my time better → how can I protect my attention?
I was ready to reclaim my energy and to be present in the experiences that mattered to me.
As mothers, we are dealing with a lot, and we try to fit as much as possible in one day, and things often overlap with one another. While we think that we are multitasking, we are actually task hopping; we are basically just diluting ourselves between all these different factors. According to Harvard Health Publishing, we should focus more on monotasking:
“The solution to breaking free from multitasking is to monotask, meaning you focus on only one job until it’s completed. “This approach lowers the burden on working memory, reduces your vulnerability to distraction, and helps you complete the task more efficiently and quickly,” says Cho.
Effective monotasking revolves around managing time well, working for brief periods, blocking distractions, and managing stress.
A popular interval method is the Pomodoro Technique, in which you set a 25-minute timer and work straight through, followed by a five-minute break, and then repeat. (You can adjust the work time as needed.) There are many apps for smartphones and computers that follow the Pomodoro Technique, such as Pomodoro, Forest, and Focus Keeper.”
I think a method like the Pomodoro Technique is definitely one that we as mothers can benefit from, as motherhood is not a sprint; it’s more like a marathon, and we all need to find a way that works for us and our lifestyle.
I hope that my experience sparks something in you as well. Because I do think we can handle the load, I think the way we work through the load is where we can feel the difference. I don’t have it all figured out, nor do I aspire to do so. In this ever-changing journey, the only thing I can do is stay close to myself and hope you do the same.
Love,
Romy
I guess it's little bit of both and sometimes A LOT OF both. Great article!