When I became a mother, everything in my life looked the same but felt completely foreign. My relationships and feelings towards things I liked, loved, and even hated shifted. Motherhood opens your eyes, changes your perspective, but also your taste. In fashion, in friends, and sexually.
It’s a shame that there is not as much emphasis on the sexual transformation a woman experiences. During my first postpartum experience, I was completely clueless about what to expect. I did not have a tactic because everything was new, so it was actually for the best. For me, there is no logic in trying to control anything in a new phase, especially in one as transformative as postpartum. My only goal? Trying to ride the waves of the familiar and the foreign.
The second time around, I knew what was coming. I knew what to prepare for my family, for the baby, myself physically. Every single aspect was covered. Except for one.
Both times I forgot to think about the one thing that actually got me in this situation. The sex. The intimacy. The fun and spicy nights with my husband.
So looking back at my postpartum phase, I do have one regret. I regret not spending more time on rediscovering the sensations in my body, learning how to love my new body, learning how I wanted to be loved, and how to enjoy sex again.
After I gave birth, I found myself stuck to the ground. It felt as if gravity was feeling two times heavier. Later I learned about the pelvic floor and gluteal muscles and how our muscles do not activate the same way as pre-pregnancy. That is how I learned why I would feel so stiff while dancing, no pain, just stiff and stuck. It made me feel like my sensuality had evaporated during the postpartum phase. I was not aware that I needed to rebuild it.
Most of us know the feeling of being in gear ‘practical’. Our bodies get us through the day, we feed the kids, we carry for others, we are present in meetings. The important realisation is that we give better when we also receive. Empathy and generosity feel lighter when we’ve nourished ourselves, and touch on our own terms is one very good way to be.
The small things are actually the ones that matter most and have the most impact. Giving our sexuality attention doesn’t actually need to be very intensive or a red-underlined item on our to-do list.
So here are 4 things that I would have done differently when it comes to pleasure and desire after pregnancy:
1. Technically a reunion, emotionally a season premiere
I found the idea of having sex for the first time after pregnancy super daunting, it felt like losing my virginity all over again. For that reason, I wanted to wait a bit longer with becoming intimate. Somehow it felt serious, because of the physical tension in the body. Playfulness and pleasure are very close to one another, so I would have spent more time on just being playful with one another. Intimate touches that lead to nothing, holding each other, building up the desire step by step, and finding other ways to be intimate beyond sex.
Foreplay is the full play
2. Buy me flowers lingerie
My lingerie only consists of tongs or period panties, there is no in-between. Because I needed to get stitches in my labia, I needed to tuck my beloved thongs away for a while, which turned into nine months.
I would have bought myself a new, sexy yet comfortable set sooner, one that embraces my new shape and feels like a fresh start. Trying to force myself into lingerie that does not fit anymore does not help, because it stands in the way of me accepting and loving my body as it is. Next to being a mother, I am also just a woman with my own taste. And on top of that, the feeling of wearing your favourite or new set is unmatched. It’s like a secret superpower.
“I do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
I want to be full on my own”
Rupi Kaur
3. “Any new hobbies I should know about?”
When there has been a well-deserved break from sex, there is so much room for conversations with your partner, and also to (re)-fall in love with foreplay. I think it’s a great moment to try out new things or fantasies before routines set in.
As a mother, I am constantly touched by my kids during the day, but in the bedroom I can decide when and where I like to be touched. And with that to regain a sense of body autonomy.
So, looking back, I would have used this pause more to explore and for communication.
4. Date night, party of one
Sex is not always an experience between two people. So I would have explored more solo, to find out what feels good in my new body in that moment, with no one else in the room. In that case, there is no feeling of pressure to speed things up.
In a time when the whole world wants something from you, self-love is crucial. The way that we hold our bodies, the way that we care for our bodies, our own needs, desires.
To me, that is empowerment.
Before you go, please share in the comments something that worked well for you when it comes to intimacy. What is the one thing you wish you had tried earlier?
Next week:
Next Sunday, we are moving on to the next domain: People & Roots.
We will look at who we come from, who we choose, and who we have made room for. Expect a reframe on belonging, a few honest questions and a butterfly hunt exercise for getting in touch with someone we have missed.
Thank you for being here ♡. Every week I write for women who are curious about their own lives: the roles they carry, the pressure they’re handed, and women who prioritise themselves just as much.
Each issue: Things that inspire me, a reframe, and one honest question that is worth sitting with.
If you need to get in touch with me, send me a private message here on Substack or via email at hello@orangeandkin.com.