Is the idea of 'having it all' just setting women up for failure?
A gentle introduction to redefine what balance and fulfillment truly mean.
Somewhere along the way, “having it all” became the new glass ceiling. It’s shiny, desirable, something we’re told to aim for… but almost impossible to reach.
The idea started back in the 1960s, during the second wave of feminism. Women were fighting for equal opportunities, education, careers, freedom and more. At first, “having it all” simply meant having a choice. You could build a career. You could be a mother. You could create your own path.
But somewhere, that freedom shifted into expectation. Suddenly, we were supposed to do it all : career, motherhood, relationships, self-care, growth. And we were supposed to do it perfectly.
I guess, by default, society created a no-win situation. We’re expected to be fully dedicated at work, but also fully present at home. That’s already a lot to carry. And then you add motherhood to the mix, and the guilt and pressure just keep growing.
And now there’s social media. Everywhere we look, there’s this illusion of balance. Perfectly styled homes. Calm, smiling mothers. “Effortless” careers. It’s hard not to compare yourself, even when you know deep down… most of it isn’t real.
And yet, women are resilient by nature. We push through the lack of sleep, the constant mental load, the multitasking. But let’s be honest, it does take a toll. It affects our happiness, our emotional regulation, our sense of meaning.
A recent study even showed that 81% of working mothers feel burned out trying to manage it all. Eighty-one percent. That says everything.
When we hold ourselves to unrealistic standards, and we can’t maintain them, we start feeling like we’re failing. When we chase this version of “success,” we lose touch with what actually matters. And slowly, the meaning and fulfillment we’re craving start to slip away.
So maybe it’s time to reframe what “having it all” really means.
In positive psychology, there’s this beautiful idea about life domains. It reminds us that life moves in seasons. Not everything has to bloom at once. In some seasons, your career might take more focus. In others, it might be motherhood, well-being, or relationships. I will talk about the life domains in the next substack.
Once we understand this, we can choose where our energy goes without guilt. We can be more intentional about what matters right now, instead of trying to do everything, all the time.
There are so many narratives out there. So many opinions about what a “good mother” or a “successful woman” should look like. And honestly, it can get loud in your head.
For me, intentional motherhood has changed everything. It helped me clear the mental clutter by deciding, for myself, where I want to put my energy. Not based on what’s expected of me. Not based on comparison. But based on my own values.
And maybe that’s where the shift happens, when we start asking ourselves simple questions:
“What truly matters to me right now? Not forever, just in this season.”
“What would ‘enough’ look like for me, not for anyone else?”
Because maybe “having it all” was never about doing it all. Maybe it’s about choosing what matters, and giving ourselves permission to let the rest go.
With love,
Romy