Mindfulness didn't work for me.
Then I found out I was doing it wrong.
A few years ago, I had a therapy session. Our second kid was born just over a year ago, and I felt like I was on the edge of a burnout.
However, I just couldn’t understand why. Because I was doing all the right things. My job was very demanding, the workload was excessive, and my gut told me this was no longer the right fit. While still settling into our new family dynamic, getting comfortable again in my own skin, prioritizing quality time with our four-year-old, my partner, and the list goes on and on. I did not feel like changing jobs or careers would be a smart idea at that specific moment in our lives. I told myself not to worry.
I felt like I was balancing it out by redirecting my focus to things that were supposed to give me energy. To fill up a cup, because they fill up anyone’s cup. The gym was only four minutes away, and I tried to go at least once a week and combine it with yoga at home. The kids’ library was only five minutes away as well, and we were there every Saturday morning like it was our church. We were eating as nutritiously as possible. All the days of the week were packed! I was doing everything right, so I thought. I was putting so much energy into anything else, in doing so, that I couldn’t feel the weight of my demanding job. But the weight was still adding up. I was exhausted, unfulfilled, and lost.
Feeling lost and being unable to pinpoint what you need for yourself, while knowing exactly what your family needs, is a very lonely state to be in.
So during my therapy session, I explained my feelings and my confusion as to why I still did not feel any better. The reply from my therapist is something that has always stuck with me. He said: ‘Sometimes the bad cannot outweigh the good, no matter how much good you try to compensate it with’.
By trying to add more efficiency, optimization, and growth in my life, I was actually adding more pressure to myself. Looking back to this period of my life, I now realize that what I needed was actually nothing. Literally nothing.
This a new series: Every week, I share one small observation from daily life. The kind of thing you almost walk past. And why it connects to something much bigger. See the latest episode below:
In one of my previous articles Are you overwhelmed or just constantly interrupted?, I took a deep dive into fragmentation and its impact on us. And it connects to this subject as well. I'm happy to hear it with you.
In some (read: most) cases, a thirty-minute walk can do you more good than a full weekend retreat. And research confirms this as well. Our attention is fragmented instead of broken, and it can come back. Through being somewhere that doesn’t demand anything from you, rather than another attempt at productivity hacks.
Most women are told they lack discipline when they can’t focus. Attention Restoration Theory (ART) reframes this completely: the struggle is cognitive load rather than your character.
And I feel like this needs more awareness, especially for women and mothers, where there is a significant overlap between paid work and life at home with the kids.
ART emphasises the so-called soft fascination. The stimuli where you hold your attention by forcing the effort. I am talking about simple things like bird singing, the sound of moving water.
Basically, it’s the opposite of a notification. Even when you did nothing, it actually did something.
Where it gets interesting is that the research connects attentional fatigue to reduced self-regulation. It is more than just having trouble focusing; it spreads to trouble resisting, deciding, and even holding back on what is meant for you.
How often did you experience moments where you “couldn’t be bothered” and it seemed easier not to stick to what mattered to you? And feeling the guilt of failing afterwards.
ART identifies that one of the four restorative conditions is simply walking away. Because I am not talking about physically walking away here. But mentally from everyday demands. The research calls it a necessary event, though most will call it selfish.
And hear me out! Because I would be gutted if this important piece were to be misunderstood. Taking a moment for yourself, allowing yourself to settle into a moment where no action is required, where there is no space for optimization, is what I am talking about. We need to embrace the moments of nothingness and give ourselves space. This is the least we can do and the minimum that we need!
So on this Sunday evening, I hope to encourage you this week to take more moments, even if that looks like little pockets throughout the week, for yourself and do nothing. Go for a walk without any headphones, no podcasts, just you and your surroundings.
Love,
Romy
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"simple things like bird singing, the sound of moving water" ❤️❤️❤️