The space between Motherhood and ‘Maternal'

Rethinking instinct, identity, and what it means to show up

I don’t feel maternal, at least not in the way the world described it to me.

From the moment we knew that we were expecting our first child, I rarely thought about the ‘cute’ baby girl or ‘mini me’ I would hold in my arms within a few months. I was excited to meet her and start this new chapter with my partner, but the feelings of the unknown were overpowering. I found raising a kid for the upcoming twenty years (at least) more daunting than the inevitable labor or the postpartum and newborn phase.

I didn’t feel ready to be a mom at all; I knew absolutely nothing about babies or kids.

But what can you expect of a twenty-one-year-old?

So I thought the best thing I could do was give myself a speed course on parenting and motherhood and consume as much information as possible. I swapped Sex & the City for the Super Nanny. The more I read, the more I became aware of the maternal instinct phenomenon and realized that I do not have it. And with that realization, I hoped that I could compensate for the lack of maternal instinct with knowledge.

Now, nine years later, I can proudly say I still do not feel nor have developed any maternal instinct. I still do not wake up when my kid is crying at night. Luckily, my partner is a light sleeper, so kids are never short on having a night hero. I programmed myself to comfort my kids when they are sad or in pain. Instead of filling in the gaps with what I think they might need, I simply ask them how they would like to be comforted. Not having a maternal instinct has not been a negative factor in my motherhood journey. Let me tell you why.

I never connected to the idea that the motherhood journey should be an all-natural, soft, self-sacrificing experience. I never felt the desire to completely surrender to just being a mother. It does not come naturally to me, and because of that, I am actually one of the most relaxed moms out there. I observe them and tailor my actions to their needs, without losing sight of my own.

Everyone’s experience is different, yet only one side gets romanticized and never questioned. This creates guilt for women like me who don’t share the same feelings. I am not attacking experiences. However, as I said, everyone’s journey is different, so we cannot let others define for us how this must feel or look. When I searched it, the results were not kind.
Pages filled with “daughters of unloving mothers”, “maternal neglect”, “cold mother syndrome”, and “emotionally distant parenting”.

As if not feeling maternal automatically places you on the wrong side of motherhood.

I am here to say that it does not. You can still thrive, even if being a mother does not come naturally to you.

“According to Dr. Monk, to relieve the pressure from the belief that women always have a maternal instinct, it is crucial for mothers and expecting mothers to remember that raising young children is entirely a learned behavior with significant influences from the past and numerous opportunities to gain new influences and training in the present. There is no natural way for a person to become a good mother.” Vinmec - The Science Behind Maternal Instinct: Myth or Reality

Although, and obviously, motherhood is a huge part of my life and has shaped the woman I am today, it is not my personality, and my identity is not fixed. Some seasons require different things at times, and it’s a constant dance between what is needed from me as a mother and the direction I want to go as a woman with her own ambitions, needs, and goals. It’s so important to me that my kids see that side while growing up as well.

Read my previous take on the different phases of life:

Just like everything in life, practice makes perfect progress. Showing up and making the best choices with the resources you have, nurturing the relationships. Motherhood is a role you grow into, sometimes slowly, messy, chaotic, or all at once.

Personally, I came to terms with the fact that I do not love every phase of motherhood or share the same thoughts or worries as other mothers. However, this has never stood in the way of the love I felt for my own two kids. Having a non-maternal experience and being content with that does not make me less of a mother. As Angela Anagnost* mentions below, there is no benefit in beating yourself up about it. It’s my way of living, and walking through life as authentically as possible benefits me, and because of that, so does my family.

“Eventually, I started to feel like I was getting the hang of it. I was still unsteady, but I truly began enjoying my firstborn instead of beating myself up over things not coming naturally to me. And while I know I'm not maternal, I also know that I'm still a pretty damn good mother. I love both of my children despite my intense learning curve. So if "maternal" isn't in your DNA, it's OK. Trust me. Mothering will get easier and your children will love you no matter what. Don't let the word get in your way of being the best mother you can be.” Angela Anagnost - Repke, I’m a Mom, but I’m Not Maternal

The biggest advice I can give as someone who has been walking this journey for nine years now: replace the guilt for the missing instinct with intention. By showing up even if you do not feel like it. By seeking connection as a priority after an argument. By creating a safe space instead of a perfect one. Simply being self-aware. Instead of feeding into this maternal instinct phenomenon, it has been a game-changer when I reframed it for myself.

The beauty in all of this is that our motherhood experience is something we shape. We are constantly learning, adapting, and implementing. And I think that is the ultimate gift we can give ourselves by staying authentic.

Love,

Romy