I want to bring butterflies back into my life, not just from romantic experiences but in everyday life. It’s not that I have given up on my relationship, which has been going strong for over a decade now. I have done some research, and the feeling of butterflies is a direct result of experiencing anticipation + uncertainty. Something like “I don’t know how this goes exactly, but I want it to happen”.
The more our lives are filled with routine and logistics, the rarer this mix becomes for us to experience. It’s a known fact that when you are on autopilot, your brain stops recording the details, which contributes to the feeling that time is passing by so fast because similar days blend into one. But in those moments when we experience butterflies, we remember every single detail. What we were wearing, where we were, what the weather was like, and if you try hard, you can recollect the smells of that day. How epic.
Realising that comfort is the opposite of butterflies has amplified my strong urge to find myself in a feeling of unfamiliarity again. So I made up my mind. I am going to hunt for butterflies. I’m going to hunt for them in friendship, in my creativity and ambitions, in my romantic relationship, and most importantly. With myself.
I can see a real pattern in my life. A pattern of drafting and deleting, over and over again. I am not talking about my Substack posts. Real-life scenarios. I see now how I have created a glass box from my comfort. I wonder now if editing myself at certain times was protection or just another form of shrinking.
Like most things, it starts with yourself. So if we talk about hunting butterflies with/for myself, it means doing something slightly risky or exposing, alone. So that is what I did last week. I went to Barcelona for work and decided to stay a few days longer by myself. And it was great. My intention wasn’t to relax or recharge physically, I wanted to recharge my inner self. And it worked. Being by myself, going on solo dates, drinks, mid-day naps, and strolls through the city was exactly what I needed.
And for the mamas out there. I completely understand if you might think something like “I am too busy to hunt for butterflies like teenagers”. A part of me feels the same way, and that is why the yes to this is becoming actually bigger. Because motherhood is a snooze button for your female self. If you don’t agree, then you are lying to yourself. The good thing is that it doesn’t need to be the end of you in motherhood. Even if you do believe in the heroic self-sacrifice path certain mothers walk, it does not need to be like that. Or maybe it’s that you forgot what it’s like to feel something, just for you.
I don’t want to give you the feeling that you should add more to your to-do list. I just want to encourage you to notice when you are on autopilot and choose to do something different.
Love,
Romy
Previously
Thank you for being here ♡. Every week I write for women who are curious about their own lives: the roles they carry, the pressure they’re handed, and women who prioritize themselves just as much.
Each issue: Things that inspire me, a reframe, and one honest question that is worth sitting with.
If you need to get in touch with me, send me a private message here on Substack or via email at hello@orangeandkin.com.