Want to stop being a people pleaser?

Have a kid.

I took a 2-week break from my weekly newsletter, without announcing it. It felt so good to rest effectively immediately.

I took this time to really be with my family, with my thoughts, submerge myself in the nature around me, and ask myself:

What am I working towards? What do I want to share with other women? Are my habits reflecting the person I aspire to be?

I learned that I am so used to being in service of others that I find it hard to relax. So I made it my goal to get my head as quiet as possible. At the same time, I felt a deep appreciation for our friends, who took care of our kids together with us in the forest. Slowing down is almost becoming a luxury, and I realize that sometimes resting is completely up to you and sometimes really depends on who you have around you.

And with that came alignment; I feel recharged, inspired, and, most of all, excited for all that lies ahead.

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Our annual trip to Helsinki

I am a firm believer that if you are a people pleaser, you should have kids. I know that sounds weird, right? But it will literally help you move away from this personality trait, coping mechanism, some might call it the fruits of their childhood trauma. And as with many things in life, some things require baby steps, if you are open to it.

The way kids can guide you on your journey to distance yourself from this trait is quite beneficial. For example, with a kid, you can process the discomfort and result of their disappointment in a way that doesn’t throw your nervous system so out of balance.

There are moments in life when we choose to be more lenient, moments when we give more than we initially want to just because we can; the decision is easy because it is a no-brainer.

So I wonder if any of us are aware of our ability to see when it is our choice to give or when we are not able to control ourselves. This could also be partly because we cannot handle the discomfort of saying no.

When you show up for everyone around you, do you actually know why you’re doing it?

I do think that there is some good that comes with being a people pleaser and being a parent. As I am also one of them, I can speak from my own experiences and the way that I raise our kids. I know our kids feel seen. Our home is tailored to their needs, and I am a mother who notices everything: any difference in emotion, you name it. Always checking in.

But, and there is a big but, because it comes with a price.

It becomes hard to separate yourself from their needs, even beyond their needs. We people pleasers tend to look so far ahead where things go wrong.

The people-pleasing stops being a personal habit and becomes something with consequences beyond you. Your kids see your behaviours and the way you interact with others. And the idea that they will inherit these traits from you if we don’t try to eliminate them should be a gentle wake-up call.

For me, this is obviously easier said than done.

To move forward, it’s actually more beneficial to look at what pleasing people is costing you as a person or even as a parent. Seeing the pattern alone is not always enough. We all know by now what we usually do that gets us into a situation that could be avoided if would have acted differently. Yet, no different actions are taken with this realization alone. Instead, if we look at the cost of this behaviour, what this teaches your kids, or how it affects your relationships, you can see in the future where it will lead you.

Another big turnaround for me was the decision to separate my character from the behaviour. For many people, pleasing is tangled up with identity, like “I am a nice person“ → “I must always accommodate the needs of others”. And it is crazy, even though I understand completely, because for many, saying no has become an unkind thing to say. And the reality is far from it.

I have also learned that drastic tactics rarely work and small practices are the way to go when you want to create lasting change. Our confidence grows from the evidence that we can make changes instead of just ‘insightful’ how-tos.

The urge to please comes from a genuine fear of rejection, conflict, and being seen as difficult. I truly think that the decision not to please someone will remain difficult, as your actions used to reflect the exact opposite. But if you really want to change the feeling of falling back into people-pleasing as much as you used to, it will feel heavier than the discomfort. It is up to you to decide which type of discomfort you want to live with.

As a people pleaser, I have seen cycles of myself where I lost touch with my own preferences because I was too invested in others. I found a way to actively ask myself the questions, “Does this work for me too? or How do I feel about this, really?” No amount of advice is going to guide me as much as just staying close to myself.

Just me and my negronis against the world.

Being a mom or not, it’s difficult to tend to your own needs, and it’s easier to completely bow to the needs of others. However, I do think that the payoff from pleasing people less, even family, even your own kids, is far greater than the comfort of not trying to make a fuss.

Love,

Romy