Hi there, I believe that we cannot have everything all at once and that true balance is constantly shifting between different domains in ourselves that require attention.
Every week I dissect a new domain and, within that domain, a new topic, to find out what is important to us women. Many women's lives are built around needs, responsibilities, expectations, and usefulness. The question “What do you want?” can actually be surprisingly difficult.
Orange & Kin is a platform that helps women remember why they care by identifying an emotional pattern that many women recognise in themselves. I want to use the opportunity to create different portals to a woman's life.
You'll find stories, questions, and small invitations to look at your own life differently ♡.
I have a subconscious habit, which is that I like to ‘run’ before I give my body what it needs. Do another sprint before taking a rest. In doing so, I can justify to myself that I deserve the rest; that I have been productive enough that day, and therefore I can sit down. And I wonder if it's just me, or if this is something a lot of women experience?
The more I read about women’s relationship with rest, balance, and energy flows, I do come to the conclusion that our optimisation culture is playing a huge part in this; we have trained ourselves into believing that every aspect of our lives needs to be balanced, evaluated, and improved. Obviously it’s nice when you can resolve a pain point in your life, but what is the benefit if it costs you your energy to a point that you become too exhausted to enjoy it?
…“Because our journeys and life stages vary so much, your approach to caring for yourself cannot be measured by ‘right’ or ‘wrong’”…
The System of the earned body
I look often at my body as an ongoing project, e.g. losing the baby weight, the unwanted hair, rather than this amazing vessel that continues to amaze me by having the ability to be resilient, caring for two children, being soft and strong at the same time. I would lie if I said that there are no days that I am not in love with my body, because those definitely exist. However, I do feel like it’s getting harder to silence the outside voices on what could be improved.
While the wellness industry is booming and all these amazing rituals and products arise that can help us glow, create moments to slow down, optimise our skin, and all of that. I am not able to relate to the claimed rituals. Partly because of the choice of words like pure, clean, sacred, the list continues. And it made me realise that when something doesn’t feel like you (anymore), let it go or make it your own.
Because we all do care for ourselves; the how just looks a bit different for all of us.
Because our journeys and life stages vary so much, your approach to caring for yourself cannot be measured by ‘right’ or ‘wrong‘. Having the differences laid out can simply make you aware of your situation currently. Also, it creates an opportunity to ask yourselves if this is still aligned with you or if you feel like you want care differently.
Let’s say you are a very ambitious person, you most likely lean towards transactional care. This way of operating works for you because that is how you get things done, how you achieve your goals. And if it works for you, it just works. However, it’s good to sometimes give yourselves some grace and tend to your needs without any conditions. Or maybe if you are a person who has more affinity with functional care, you lean more towards maintaining intuitive care. Again, if that works for you, it just does. However, also here it’s good to sometimes look at your goals, and see if your comfort zone is standing in between you reaching them.
The dance with autonomy
Over the years, self-care has become more restrictive. For many of us, it has become a performance to look disciplined, balanced, and healthy. Have you ever caught yourself preparing an argument beforehand to cancel a plan, for a boundary, or even a rest day?
For the longest time, I thought that overexplaining was me trying not to be rude, but then I realised that it was me trying to convince someone that I was, in fact, not being rude by choosing myself. Which are two different things.
When was the last time you made a decision about your body that had nothing to do with how it looks, works, or appears to the outside world?
I have become more and more fascinated with my energy and where it flows. We monitor ourselves through habit trackers, calorie counters, and never-ending self-audits.
We are very good at monitoring ourselves on how we are living instead of just living. Everything changed when I let my energy take the lead. What gives me energy, what drains my energy, how does my energy flow with others, all these questions have guided me in making the changes that actually have a positive impact on my life.
I recently learned about the unconsumable space. It’s the creation of experiences, habits, and moments that aren’t consumable for or by anyone else but you. Instead of creating aesthetic routines meant to be seen, measured, and validated by others. This can be a fun way to regain body & energy autonomy.
What if we would refuse our human existence be fully monetised or optimised? Would that be too radical? Would that alienate you from society or stand in the way of your goals and opportunities? Where do we draw the line? A great first step would be to create practical moments for ourselves that do not require any tracking.
Practical ways to spark creativity, body awareness, and energy that have worked for me:
The creative hour: Create something like a sketch, a poem, a recipe, and store it away. Proving to your brain that your creativity does not always need a return on investment.
Downtime: Lie flat on your back on the living room floor with your kids, perhaps while they play around you. Try not to think about dinner, cleaning, plans. Instead, let your body rest against the floor; no explanation needed.
The body scan: Focus entirely on the physical sensations in your jaw, shoulders, and hands. Release the tension without trying to diagnose why it is there or how to optimise your stress levels.
Next week: The hardship of being “Easy to Love”
Next Sunday, we are moving on to the next domain: belonging. What to expect?
What happens when we move from the fast intimacy of our 20s to feeling subtly lonely in a crowded group chat in our 30s?
Why do we feel compelled to sanitise our messiness, edit out our intensity, and curate a smoothed-over version of ourselves just to stay easy to love?
What changes when you realise that changing yourself to fit into a room only starves the relationships that were meant to accept all of you?
Previously
Thank you for being here ♡. Every week I write for women who are curious about their own lives: the roles they carry, the pressure they’re handed, and women who prioritise themselves just as much.
Each issue: Things that inspire me, a reframe, and one honest question that is worth sitting with.
If you need to get in touch with me, send me a private message here on Substack or via email at hello@orangeandkin.com.